Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Gone in sixty seconds...

How to spend a tax rebate check in less than one minute.

I think it is safe to say, that until now, George Bush and I have never agreed on anything.
But, when he asked me to do my patriotic duty by wasting my tax rebate (pittance that it is) in a vain effort to perform a little retail CPR on our flat-lining economy, how could I refuse?

So what if gas is going to be $5 a gallon by this time next year? Who cares that my savings account is far slimmer than I could ever hope to be? Pay off at least a teeny bit of my mounting credit card debt? pffffft.. No way,baby. I'm shopping!
George asked me to.

As I wait for my government windfall to hit the checking account. I am exploring my options.
Here's what I've come up with so far.

"Put down the coffee! Coffee's for closers"
I am a closer, or I could be with this
Parsons Desk from West Elm. http://www.westelm.com/


Sophie Lounge Chair from Cielo Home. I have no words.
It would take more than one rebate check to make this stunner yours.


A girl can dream,can't she? www.cielohttp://home.com/


Johnathan Adler. The Druggist collection.
Under $200 For the set. Cha ching!

http://www.johnathanadler.com/


Hudson Low Media Cabinet from West Elm.
Wrap it up. I'll take it.
Perfect for the New Digs.
http://www.westelm.com/




Vintage Chinoiserie wallpaper from Secondhand Rose.
"Nǐ hěn piào liang."
http://www.secondhandrose.com/




If I mention my buddy George, do you think I could get free shipping?



Out-T.



Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Is It Really Necessary To Wear A Bra To Jury Duty?





The question briefly crossed my mind Monday morning at six.
Six is such an uncivilized time of the morning.
I don't do six.


S. Had assured me that I would be out by noon.
That became my mantra "Out by noon. Out by noon. Out by noon."

At least one hundred times I repeated it. While I circled the block for an available parking place I repeated it. "Out by noon." I silently chanted as I gave in and paid the attendant twenty dollars to park so I could make it to the courthouse on time to do my civic duty, which by the way paid eight dollars.

"Out by noon." As the nice Sheriff's Deputy informed me that I had to remove my shoes to pass through the metal detector.

"Remove my shoes? Are you kidding me? Walk on this floor barefoot? Does hand sanitizer work on feet?"

You'll have to take off your belt. "Out by noon."

Is there anything in your pockets? "Out by noon."

I took off my watch. I surrendered my sunglasses. I did everything short of dropping trow in the courthouse lobby.

No luck.

Please step to the side, the nice Deputy said, which was embarrassing, but good, considering an angry mob of potential jurors was gathering behind me waiting for their turn for Homeland Security humiliation.

As I stood arms outstretched shoeless, beltless, and humorless, the nice Deputy proceeded to wave the magic hand held metal detection device in the air in front of me as if he were a Water Witch with an out of control divining rod.

It only took a few seconds (based on the smirk on the nice Deputy's face and the vicinity of the offending metal object) for me to realize what the problem was.

I knew I shouldn't have worn the bra.

Out by noon-T

photo by sitting rock on Flickr

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Vagina Sofa Monologue

The search for the perfect sofa for the New Digs continues.

Any one of these beauties would be smashing.
I have a bad case of sofa lust just looking at them.

Oh, how I wish price were no object.

I would fire up the pay pal account and this fab danish modern number from E-Bay would be on it's way to Fort Worth.
Post-Haste.








The Marshmallow Sofa may have been considered a design failure in the 1950's but it is a winner with me.

I would marry it.



Bova..Bova...Bravo!
http://www.bovafurniture.com/



Manhattan Loft.
You can see it here... http://www.manhattanloft.com/

Available in the fabric of your choice.
I would prefer it in the fabric of MY choice!
If only.

The chasm between what I want and what I can afford is (as it usually is) wide.
I spent the better part of Sunday morning drinking coffee and doing my version of on line bargain hunting.
No stone was left unturned. No site was too obscure. I was on a mission.
"I will find the perfect couch (cheap) Dammit! "

In the end I came up empty. Nada. Nuthin.

I did however come across this....


Yes Friend, it is what you think it is.

According to The Best Week Ever, it was listed on Craig's List recently.
Not quite right for the New Digs, but I think it's perfect for my gynecologists office.

Out-T

image: http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/01/16/for-sale-one-large-vagina-couch-well-worn-600-bones-or-best-offer/


Sunday, April 27, 2008

Decorus Interruptus

Progress on the new digs came to a screeching halt on Monday. Why you ask?
Several weeks ago I received an effing summons for jury duty! My initial reaction was amusement. "No worries, I'll simply get out of it."
Then I did what I always do when I feel as if I am being treated unfairly by the world at large.

I picked up the phone and called my BFSK (best friend since kindergarten) S. The convo went something like this..

T: Hey! You're not going to believe what I got in the mail today.

S: Let me guess, A disconnect notice for water service, because you spent all your money on E-Bay last month? I'm not paying it.

T: (pause here for a deep cleansing breath) No, silly! (insert Bitchy Mc Bitcherton) A jury summons. Funny! Right? I'm not going. I just thought it was weird they would even send it. I am blaming this whole mix up on Hillary. If I wouldn't have registered to vote this would have never happened. Anyway, I'm not going. So what do I have to do to get out of it?

S: Well, there will be a price to pay for voting for Hillary. This is not it. The only way out is to prove you are mentally unsound, and while I know this is true, you have never had a formal diagnosis (did I mention she's a nurse?) You have to go. Don't worry. No attorney worth her retainer would want you on a jury. You'll be out by noon. Take hand sanitizer.

This was perhaps the best advice anyone has ever given me.
Out-Juror#7

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Things We Love to Love.

Shiny Floors . Lovely high gloss epoxy resin, like these from DM Floor Art and Artistic Resin Floors Italy. With any luck the new digs will be adorned with similar fabulousness.

Robert Longo. Especially the City Series. If you're over it, I don't want to know.
This we love.
Aura paint from Benjamin Moore. From a chick that hates to paint this stuff is the shizz. Saturated colors. No primer. Two coats. Done. The new digs have been transformed.

It is hard to say why an admitted C student, who can't spell, has no grasp of proper punctuation, and is prone to hyperbole would ever think blogging is good idea. I have decided to do this because I think I might have something to say. I will let you Dear Reader, be the judge of that.
First more about me; One of my favorite subjects, moi.
Admit it. I know you feel the same way.
It's just not nice to say so.

I have recently moved into the "new digs" a rather mundane subdivision tract home, in a somewhat less mundane neighborhood near Fort Worth, Texas.

From birth, I have believed that it is my destiny to be obscenely rich residing in a palatial mans. nestled on five secluded acres in the location of my choice.
Alas, such is not yet the case.

For the time being I am forced to live amongst the common folk and do the best I can to make every inch of the new digs fit for the heiress sans trust fund that I am.

How to create all of this fantasticalness with very little money and even less skill is the question to be explored.

This blog is the diary of events as they unfold.
If you can stand the poor results of a public school education (I intended to be a princess, not a secretary) I invite you to come along for the ride.
Actually, it would be better if you drive.
I want to sit in the back and read my new copy of Elle Decor.

Out-T.

Testing. 1. 2. 3. 4.




First day. First post. Color me happy.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

About Me

So what does a mother of three ungrateful children, wife of a dead husband, the girl voted most likely to be institutionalized do after it becomes obvious that it would take excessive Botox injections, surgical procedures and Pilates classes to start a decent porn site?

She writes about goats, Jesus, singlewide trailers and her mother.