Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Blame it on The Bug

I totally have a bug up my nose. I am sure of it. This is better than a bug up your ass,

But still.

400 sneezes later, I am still convinced there is a DAMM BUG UP MY NOSE.
I think I can feel its twitchy little bug feet stomping around between my eyes.

I am afraid to blink because when I do I see big furry legged insects behind my eyelids.
I am afraid not to blink because someone told me if you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs pop out.

Lovely.

I once had a boyfriend who put jock itch cream in his ear because it itched (What can I say, he was hot, I tried to overlook the improper use of topical ointments). I would put jock itch cream in my nose right now to see if it kills bugs, except I don’t have balls, therefore, I have no ball cream. I guess I should have married him, and then my problems would be solved.

On second thought, that’s a bad idea, I would still have a bug up my nose and a husband with itchy parts. Come to think of it, I put vagina cream on my toes last week to see if it would help the allergic reaction I had from shampooing the horrid white carpet at The New Digs barefoot. That didn’t work at all. Maybe I was too hard on him. I probably should have married him. Oh wait, he didn’t ask, or maybe he did, I’m not sure, it’s hard to concentrate with a tarantula winding its way to your cerebral cortex.

That is so gross. Let’s talk about something else shall we?

How about,the fact that not only did I apparently snort a June bug up my nose hole today, I also managed to send the entire contents of my e-mail box to one of my co-workers. All 1492 saved messages. How cool is that? Or, not. And while I was at it, it seems I also sent dozens of random e-mails across the world. If you got one, or a hundred, Sorry. I am blaming it on the bug.

Out-
T

*Also, I can't post a picture, which is probably for the best, but I'm pretty sure that's the bugs fault too.

2 comments:

Lolo said...

Well, did the vag cream work? I'm all about alternative uses for products. Like, I found out that denture cream is the bomb on porcelain tile and the fizzy denture tabs get hard water deposits off most anything. Maybe you could get a naeti pot and put some fizzy tabs up your nose holes?

Connie said...

Hope you've killed the bug by now without permanently maiming yourself.... I do understand the desire for desperate measures at times. I had an ear infection as an adult and wanted to scream and cry like an infant over it... ice pick therapy seemed logical as well... but usually these ideas are not good for you in the long run.