Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Have You Seen Me?

Guess what?
I know! I thought it was awesome too!
After almost two years of posting crappy cell phone pictures and stolen Google images, I decided enough was enough, so I took matters into my own hands.

I can only imagine how grateful you must be.
Don’t thank me yet.
I can’t figure out how to work the stupid thing.
The only person who could help me is Mr. Fussy Pants (My boss), and I can’t ask him, because I stole it from him.
I guess crime really doesn’t pay (Just thinking about how relieved Big Judes (My Mom) is right now to know that I am not a shoplifter makes me giggle a little).

I had huge plans for that camera. I was going to thrill and delight you with poignant photo essays. I had planned to take a picture of my butt. Well, the butt thing was more for my enjoyment really, not so much yours. I wanted to see if I could Photoshop it into a cute butt.

But, (Speaking of butts. We were weren’t we? Yes, I think so). But! The real reason I heisted the camera was so that I could get candid shots of all of my friends and family showing their boobs and barfing black-eyed peas celebrating New Years Eve tomorrow. I am almost positive that those pictures could have been worth a few bucks, or at least a few embarrassing reminders of how drunk happy we all were when we finally sent that Bitch 2009 packing.

Don’t worry; I still have time to figure this thing out. And if I can’t? Well, then I will just steal a picture of someone else’s friends boobs New Years Eve Celebration.

Be Safe,


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Who Is This Craig Guy Anyway?

As if I do not have enough stupidity in my life already, yesterday I discovered craigslist (I know, I know, I am the last person alive).
All I can say is HOLY CRAP, is it safe for these people to be left unattended?

Lest you think I am overreacting, have a look for yourself.

Multiple Seating Furniture Pieces for Sale - $1 (Richardson)
Date: 2009-12-28, 2:17PM CSTReply to:

They are called chairs Dumbass! CHAIRS!

Hooker Game Table - $150 (Flower Mound)
Date: 2009-12-28, 11:57AM CSTReply to:

EEWWWW! What kind of games do hookers play on this table? Does it come with hand sanitizer?

2 Z GALLERIE Abstract Framed Prints Paid $119 each - $120 (Lakewood) Date: 2009-12-28, 1:15PM CSTReply to:

OK, so, let me see if I understand this, you paid $119 for this ugly shit and you want me to pay $120? Fuck me.

Date: 2009-12-28, 1:10PM CSTReply to:

They sound fabulous! Wait, does this mean they will peck my eyes out when I get them home? I am not falling for it lady, keep your creepy bird mirrors. And p.s. You can suck my Alfred Hitchcock.

Who's got a working parking meter - $1 (Arlington)
Date: 2009-12-28, 12:24PM CSTReply to:
Looking for a non digital working parking meter in good shape. The one you put coins in to operate. must work and have the violation flag in it. needed for kids who cant seem to stay off the Wii. Thanks Mark

Do they make a "Grow Some Marbles" game for Wii? I think it would be money better spent. Seriously, Mark, with all due respect, you are a Dipshit. You don’t need a parking meter. You need a shoe. Whack those little Bastards with your manly size 10s a couple times and they will turn off the Wii. Guaranteed.

Date: 2009-12-27, 9:06PM CSTReply to:

Is it just me, or does this seem a little pricey?

Table and chairs. Great condition - $100 (Lewisville)
Date: 2009-12-20, 11:11AM CSTReply to:

This is an unbelievable deal. You are lucky to be reading this right now. The kitchen table below is for sale for one hundred dollars. was either hand crafted by people indigenous to China, or possibly made by machines. Maybe, it was a combination. No one really knows, and that is what makes this item so special and so rare.
It comes with 4 chairs. I know you are saying "But wait, I don't have 3 friends; Why would I need all these chairs?" Look, if you saw field of dreams (and I know you did), if you buy it, they will come. Buy the table, and before you know it, you will have a house swarming with dead baseball players. I have a feeling this was shoeless Joe Jackson's actual kitchen table (I can't prove this).
Table Features:
1. 4 legs, I know I know you have two legs, 4 is just weird. Look, consider it extra redundancy
2. A top. This is probably the most important feature. Without it, you are just sitting there trying to balance 4 posts on end. Why would you do that? I guess what I am saying, is I am not trying to part this out so don't ask if you can just buy the chairs and legs. I can't bare to split up the set.
3. Chairs I should have made chairs item 4 as not to confuse you. Please do not assume that there are only 3 chairs because this is item 3 and starts with "3. chairs" I assure you there are 4.
4. Leaf clover (that was really dumb) There is a leaf that makes this table expand to seat many many many people. But a reminder, the chairs, there are 4 and only 4. Think of the leaf as a way to move your unpleasant friends / family further from you during meals so you can eat without having them so close to you. This feature alone is worth $100.

5. There is no fifth feature. Seriously, it is a table what else do you want from it? You are so demanding.
Date: 2009-12-27, 9:06PM CSTReply to:

I can’t “bare” it either!
Dude, your Grandma is going to be pissed when she finds out you are trying to sell her shit on craigslist. Get out of the basement, there is a whole big world out here!

This is just great, now where the hell will I spend the Christmas dough Big Judes sent? I can’t go to Wal-mart for fear that someone will take my picture!


Monday, December 28, 2009

7 lbs

For the last several days, I have been testing the potential toxicity of peanut butter. Call it my contribution to science. I have come to the conclusion that you can in fact ingest about 7 pounds of peanut butter and not die. Just don’t try to whistle.

Also? While you are in the process of eating 7 pounds of peanut butter do not wipe your sticky fingers on the ass of your favorite jeans, because it will leave an ugly stain, then you will be forced to change out of your favorite jeans (That you have worn for the last 3 days) into your clean not favorite jeans which will be too tight because you have eaten seven fucking pounds of peanut butter.

Consider it a public service announcement.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Santa Hook Up

Have you ever wondered how the reindeer spend their free time while they wait for those annoying elves to finish making Christmas toys?
I have.
I assumed they played strip poker and smoked cigars.
Not. So.
Apparently, they hang out at my house.
How do I know this?

Well, I am glad you asked. I know this because Vivian the Obstinate Toy Poodle told me.

T--“Vivian! DAMMIT VIVIAN! What is with the poop in the hallway? Go the hell outside! POOP. OUTSIDE!”

Viv-- “I didn’t do it.”

T-- “Really? Then who did?”

Viv—“Not me.”

T—“You did.”

Vivo—“I didn’t”

T—“It was you”

Viv--“It wasn’t”

T—“Then how did it get here?”

Vivo—“A reindeer”

T—“A reindeer?”

Viv—“That’s right”

T—“That’s ridiculous, this is Texas, there are no reindeer in Texas.

Viv—“He’s from out of town. I met him online.”

T—“ You are dating a reindeer?”

Viv-- “Listen lady, I don’t pry into your private life. I would like the same respect. How would you like it if I interrogated you about all of the men you bring home?”

T—“All of the men I bring home? I do not bring men home!”

Viv—“ Well, maybe that’s your problem, if you did bring a man home once in a while you wouldn’t be so uptight about a little reindeer doo.

T—“Holy Mother give me strength”

Viv—“I’m just sayin’”

T--“Never mind! Forget I said anything. I’ll clean it up. Go back to butt licking or whatever it was that you were doing. I give up.

Viv—“I was checking out the new dudes on e-havarti dot com, it’s a dating site for cheese lovers and like minded individuals."
You know, Blitzen’s boss is single, he’s old like you, kind of chubby, but beggars can’t be choosers. I hear he will be in Fort Worth in a couple days. Do you want me to see if he is interested? I could be discreet. A date would do you good. It might help you take the edge off. Seriously, you have been a pain in the ass lately.
I could make a phone call…of course it would cost you a couple of slices of Velveeta, but really that is a small price to pay. You are not exactly a hot commodity these days. Say the word and I’ll hook you up. It would give you a good excuse to brush your hair.
I think you could use a little Christmas cheer, ‘tis the season and all that don’t you know!"

T-“Great idea asshole. Why don’t you do that! And when I see him? I think I’ll ask for a cat for Christmas. I hear they are quiet and they poop in a box. ”

Merry Christmas!