Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Santa Hook Up

Have you ever wondered how the reindeer spend their free time while they wait for those annoying elves to finish making Christmas toys?
I have.
I assumed they played strip poker and smoked cigars.
Not. So.
Apparently, they hang out at my house.
How do I know this?

Well, I am glad you asked. I know this because Vivian the Obstinate Toy Poodle told me.

T--“Vivian! DAMMIT VIVIAN! What is with the poop in the hallway? Go the hell outside! POOP. OUTSIDE!”

Viv-- “I didn’t do it.”

T-- “Really? Then who did?”

Viv—“Not me.”

T—“You did.”

Vivo—“I didn’t”

T—“It was you”

Viv--“It wasn’t”

T—“Then how did it get here?”

Vivo—“A reindeer”

T—“A reindeer?”

Viv—“That’s right”

T—“That’s ridiculous, this is Texas, there are no reindeer in Texas.

Viv—“He’s from out of town. I met him online.”

T—“ You are dating a reindeer?”

Viv-- “Listen lady, I don’t pry into your private life. I would like the same respect. How would you like it if I interrogated you about all of the men you bring home?”

T—“All of the men I bring home? I do not bring men home!”

Viv—“ Well, maybe that’s your problem, if you did bring a man home once in a while you wouldn’t be so uptight about a little reindeer doo.

T—“Holy Mother give me strength”

Viv—“I’m just sayin’”

T--“Never mind! Forget I said anything. I’ll clean it up. Go back to butt licking or whatever it was that you were doing. I give up.

Viv—“I was checking out the new dudes on e-havarti dot com, it’s a dating site for cheese lovers and like minded individuals."
You know, Blitzen’s boss is single, he’s old like you, kind of chubby, but beggars can’t be choosers. I hear he will be in Fort Worth in a couple days. Do you want me to see if he is interested? I could be discreet. A date would do you good. It might help you take the edge off. Seriously, you have been a pain in the ass lately.
I could make a phone call…of course it would cost you a couple of slices of Velveeta, but really that is a small price to pay. You are not exactly a hot commodity these days. Say the word and I’ll hook you up. It would give you a good excuse to brush your hair.
I think you could use a little Christmas cheer, ‘tis the season and all that don’t you know!"

T-“Great idea asshole. Why don’t you do that! And when I see him? I think I’ll ask for a cat for Christmas. I hear they are quiet and they poop in a box. ”

Merry Christmas!
maison21 said...

i am laughing out loud! and tell viv she's safe for now- cats, like reindeer, don't *always* poop in a box...

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