The Not-To-Do List

I am a fan of the list. (I am also a fan of half naked hotty- pants boys half my age. That is the only reason for the photo above). Anyway, I like lists. Christmas lists, grocery lists, To-Do lists. I make lists for everything. Lists help me remember the trivial shit in my life I would just as soon forget. If I left things up to my brain, nothing would get accomplished. I would never have toilet paper or peanut butter. My electric service would be disconnected. The dog would not be fed and the lawn would not be mowed. Lists are good.

I have a new list. The Not-To- Do list. This list features things that I will never do again as long as I live. No matter what. So help me god. If there is any question about whether or not my latest hair brain brilliant idea is a good one, I can refer to the list for guidance. I am sharing the list with all of you today with the hope that I can spare you embarrassment or ridicule or, possible arrest. Nice of me, right? Consider this a public service announcement.

The Not-To-Do List:

Do Not...

Buy a house with no doorknobs. Doorknobs are important. There are no ads in the Yellow Pages for doorknob installers. The world of doorknobs is confusing. You will be tired of installing doorknobs long before the 28th knob is in place. Eventually you may get used to living without a doorknob on the master bedroom closet but it will take a while.

Call your Boss a fucktard. Only refer to your boss as a fucktard if you are certain that the intercom is correctly disconnected. This will not look good on your performance review. In all likelihood, an oversight such as this will become part of your permanent record. The consequences of your actions may be more severe if the speaker button is inadvertently pressed and your indiscretion is broadcast over the loud speaker.

Get a tattoo. Do not do it. If you are under the age of 40, a tattoo is a bad idea. Speedy Gonzales will be adorable on your 22-year-old ass. Over time, Speedy Gonzales will crawl off your ass and down your thigh. By the time you are 40 Speedy will look more like Chucky from Child's Play than a mouse. Keep this in mind. (This one is a recommendation from a friend who shall remain nameless).

Cook eggs for your Iguana. Never try to hard- boil eggs in the microwave. When they explode (and they will, even if you take precautions and poke a hole in the shell then submerge them in water), the door to the microwave will blow off its hinges and egg shrapnel will cover the entire kitchen. The maintenance man will not be amused when you short-circuit the breakers to half of your apartment building. FYI- Purina makes lizard chow.

Apply for jobs for which you are not qualified. Just because you think, you could fake your way through an interview, does not mean you would make a good doctor, lawyer, or phone sex operator.

Take off your pants in the mall parking lot. If you are on a first date, on Saturday afternoon, in a jeep with no top (the jeep, not you), if a bee flies down the back of your jeans, let the bee sting you. Do not rip off your pants and stand in the front seat screaming, “Kill that Bastard”. Half-naked screaming attracts unwanted attention from potential boyfriends and strangers alike. Remember that you are ugly when you cry. Everyone will see this. Do not expect that there will be a second date.

Cut a postage stamp size square from the back of each of your soon to be Ex- boyfriends pinpoint oxford dress shirts.(without removing them from the dry cleaning bag) It may not be immediately obvious that you are responsible for this misguided mischief. He may be stupid, but eventually he will figure it out. This makes soon to be Ex-boyfriends angry.

Hire a male stripper for your grandmother’s 80th birthday party. It sounds funny. It is terrifying.

Suggest that your co-workers new baby looks a little like Ozzy Osbourne. For reasons that are not, entirely clear to me this will not be perceived as a compliment. Lactating women are vicious.

Imply that a client should have performed a credit check on her fiancé before she set a wedding date. Hindsight may be 20/20, but no one wants to hear that their beloved cannot buy lunch let alone a dream home. If you do this, snot will ensue.

Buy shoes that do not fit. Bad shoes will make you cry. No matter how cute they are, even if they are on sale. Do. not. do. it.

Assume you can dance because you have had a few cocktails. If you cannot dance sober you cannot dance drunk. And yes, those people really are laughing at you not with you.



Out-T.

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