Saturday, November 22, 2008

Have It Your Way

Dear Burger King,

It has come to my attention that you have added a new item to your menu, namely the “Shroom and Swiss Burger.” This revelation leads me to wonder if you have recently recruited Cheech and Chong to head up your marketing department. Without revealing too much about the exact number of years I have been alive on this planet (I am in the market for a rich husband after all), or the long list of prosecutable offenses that I may or may not have committed in my not THAT distant past, allow me to point out that there is a distinct difference between mushrooms and “shrooms

Mushrooms are innocuous little fungi grown in the dark that often play a minor role in fairy tales. Mushrooms are available on the produce aisle of your local grocery store; they are tasty and harmless and enhance the flavor of pizza, salads and presumably hamburgers. Mushrooms should not be confused with toadstools, because if you eat them, toadstools can kill you. Definitely not a good addition to a hamburger.

Shrooms, on the other hand, are harbingers of mind-altering chemicals grown on cow poop. Regardless of the method of consumption, they are repugnant. Shrooms make you barf, without exception. If you eat shrooms, you will barf. Some people believe that this is a small price to pay for the myriad of pleasant and colorful side effects. I happen to have been one of those people.

I am sure you can imagine how rad I thought it was when I saw your commercial featuring those bogus Simon and Garfunkle dudes extolling the virtues of the new Shroom and Swiss burger. I rushed out to procure one in hopes of recapturing the psychedelic psilocybin infused haze of my mis-spent youth.

I am bummed to report that while the burger in question did taste terrible, nothing happened. No colors, no haze, no six hours spent behind the bi-fold doors of my bedroom closet entranced by the vision of dancing Hormel sausages replete with top hats and tiny little tap shoes. No barf.
Bogus! This is false advertising. I want my money back.
What is next? Chicken Thai sticks? Chocolate mescaline shakes?
Forget it, I am on to you. Catch my drift?
(Far) Out-T.
Tobi said...

This one is for you Stace...Be careful what you ask for!!! GAAAH

bluestreak said...

Wow. A Shroom Burger. Sounds like some college kids attempt to make his trip more appetizing. In fact, I would have pulled that shit if I had thought of it back then. "Dude, just put it on a burger, man".

Stacey said...

Thanks T.
Let me know when the "Chicken" comes out 8 )
Keep it up girl. We need you out here.
Love you, Miss you. S.

karey m. said...

as long as it doesn't make me smash my hand through a warehouse window after midnight because i want to touch the red blinking light inside and then walk a few drunken and bloodied blocks to a bar whereupon i wrap my gushing wrist in a bartender's end-of-the-night cleanup rag...i'm in.

Connie said...

Not sure if real shroom burgers, obtained via a DRIVE-THRU window and eaten while on the road, would be a very good idea anyway...

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