I have started to stutter. Seriously. ME! Stutter. Good God, I am the girl (Shut up, I am a girl! Sort of.) who plys her trade with words. I spend my days encouraging, persuading, convincing, cajoling. When provoked I can slice and dice you with verbal Ginsu knives, flip pieces of your dissected carcass into the air and catch them in my hat. TAA-DAA! Do not fuck with me!
I am Teflon. I am unshakable, I may not walk the walk but I can talk the talk. I could then, anyway, but that was then. This is now. Now I stutter. The words? My weapons? Stuck. Aaaa..ummm…welll…
Then there is the twitch. Did I mention the twitch? No? Well, it is new. My left eye it twitches. Are you getting the picture? Stuttering, twitching, 120 lbs. of vibrating rage…Charming, do you not agree?
The hair-- it frizzes, the jowls-- they sag, the bags? Oh, the bags of it all. Five pounds of worry and stress strategically positioned under each twitching eye. They are the size of steamer trunks these bags, stuffed to overflowing in preparation for a transcontinental cruise to the fourth circle of hell. I am ugly. Horrid. Inside and out.
I could not even get a blind date right now. If I was looking for a date, that is. Which I am not. But if I were, and if I knew any blind guys, (which I do not), they would sooner set their seeing eye dogs loose to eviscerate me than spend any time in my company, and I would not blame them. And I do not blame you for getting the hell out of here as fast as your back button can take you. Because, really? This is fixing to be what my old granny would call a wall-eyed hissy fit. I have tried to avoid it for over a week. No luck.
So, here goes…
When last I was here at this dusty blog of mine it was Election Day. We were all set to make history. That is precisely what we did. We made history. Then, because we are the self-centered hypocritical bastards that we are, we celebrated. We slapped each other on the back, high fived and sang fucking kumbaya while we pointed out to each other what open minded, color blind, righteous people we are for electing a black man to be president of the United States Of America. Hooray for us! We did it for the children! We did it for change!
Might I suggest that if we were SO open minded and color blind we would not have had to point out the fact that the person we elected was black…Every thirty seconds…For almost two years?… How proud of ourselves should we really be? Shouldn’t it be enough to say that we elected the best person for the job, and acknowledge that is about damn time we did. Perhaps if we had noticed that the pool of white middle-aged competent male politicians was somewhat shallow eight years ago, we would be in better shape now.
When the intoxication wears off is anyone going to notice that we have made it virtually impossible for the man that we so love and admire to succeed? While we were all punch drunk, the current administration lit the fuse on a 700 billion dollar time bomb and tossed it through the window of the oval office. The current occupant checked out months ago, so the WMD sits ticking, ready to explode on or about the 20Th of January. As if that were not enough, there are the wars, not one, but two. Let us not even speak of inflation, unemployment or health care. Bring on the change! Hell yes! Nothing short of Camelot will satisfy us. We want change and we want it now, delivered post haste, as promised, along with free stuff. We like free stuff. Mortgages, insurance, cheap gas? Yes, please. We deserve it. If he fails to deliver--God help him.
What about the children? Look what we did for the kids! We are fucking brilliant. We should be proud of ourselves. We elected this president because we love our children. Well, we love most of them anyway, except the gay ones. We do not love the gay ones so much. We definitely do not want the gay ones to love each other. Let them get married, adopt children, provide safe harbor for foster kids? Good lord no! We are not THAT open minded. This is shameful, for what it is worth, I am sorry.
This post makes me sorry too. Please forgive all the ugly. I am working on it, I swear…Tomorrow ugly will be the new pretty. I will be back with a joke, or a rope trick, or at the very least I will keep my mouth shut if I do not have anything nice to say. (Big Judes will be proud).
Have you heard the one about the Rabbi and the blogger that walk into a bar?