Dirty old Saint Nicholas lean your ear this way, don't you tell a single soul what I'm going to say...
I did not send my Christmas list to you sooner because I have not been very good this year. I was really afraid I would be getting cinders in my stocking. After seeing this picture of you I decided I may have a chance after all.
I hope you can overlook the recent incident with the homeless guy and the frozen turkey. How was I to know the boy (I swear he looked about 12) in the blue Ford was a police officer. I did apologize for asking him if his mother knew he was carrying a gun after he showed me his badge. Just so you know, I gave the turkey back.
Instead of cookies and milk, if you look between the cushions of the couch at the New Digs, you will find loose change and I have generously left a full can of Colt 45 and a box of Swisher Sweets for your enjoyment.
I will leave the gift selection up to you, anything extra you may have on the sleigh will do just fine. Usually, I am much more particular, but really? There is no damn way I am sitting on your lap.