Sunday, July 19, 2009

Eddie Ross, In the Garden, With a Darling Centerpiece

I am fully aware that this particular entry crosses the boundaries of polite blogging, but please take it in the spirit in which it is intended. That of course, is my mean, hateful, shallow, and somewhat macabre, spirit that I am sort of ashamed of, but unable to control.

So, lately I have been reading MUCH more than I have been writing.

Good lord there are a lot of blogs out there.

Anyway, I have recently subscribed to Eddie Ross’ blog. Eddie is every Grandma’s favorite decorator, former contestant on one of HGTV’s I wanna be a famous designer shows, ex- Martha Stewart minion.

You know who I am talking about, right?

So, Eddie spends his days blogging, going to flea markets, setting lovely tables with his Goodwill finds, and entertaining friends, while I spend my days eating Ho-Ho’s and reading blogs. (If you think you detect a hint of jealousy here, you are correct).

Recently, Eddie did a series of posts about an upcoming outdoor vegetarian luncheon he was hosting for a few of his oh-so- glamorous friends (Again with the jealousy). Because it would be impossible for all of the followers of his blog (who wish that they were his oh-so-glamorous friends) to attend said luncheon, he invited all of them (us) to follow the festivities on Twitter.

My first thought? “Well that is fucking stupid”
My second thought (several seconds later, because I am not very bright). “Eddie is annoying.” Who wants to attend a luncheon where the host Tweets the entire time? Not to mention that there was no meat on the menu. Annoying I tell you.

I skipped following the luncheon on Twitter in favor of Hostess Snack cakes, and spent my afternoon silently criticizing other annoying bloggers for offenses I perceived to be as bad as, or worse than, Eddie’s social media hit mongering extravaganza. There is a lot to criticize, I am telling you. It is better than making fun of ugly people at the mall, but I digress.

Later, when Eddie’s re-cap of the event appeared in my Reader I clicked through (I had to click through because Eddie’s full posts do not appear in Reader. That is annoying too by the way). The pictures were lovely, the food looked divine, the lack of animal protein was barely noticeable, and Eddie set a gorgeous table.

The centerpieces were wild flowers from the property Eddie and his partner recently purchased. From reading the post, I gathered that Eddie was uncertain of the botanical origins of the sweet looking posies he used to adorn the lunch table. Eddie put out a call to the blogosphere for help with identification, and the blogosphere responded in his comments section.

It seems that these lovely little blooms bear a striking resemblance to Water Hemlock (or some such plant), that is ….

Wait for it… (Speaking of annoying).

Yep, you guessed it.


As in lethal.
As in ingest a small amount and you die, or, in this case, you kill your uber glamorous guests at your oh- so- chic luncheon.

If you ask me, the image of fancy dead ladies in their summer frocks, strewn about the well-manicured lawn clutching monogrammed bakelite silverware, while Eddie taps out frantic messages of his distress is…

Freaking hilarious. Can you imagine THOSE Tweets?

Death by fussy decorator.

A real time game of Clue. Eddie Tweets in 160 characters or less as dapper gentlemen tip over in their hummus, all the while Eddie’s cyber pals are trying to guess what is killing the party!

Oh, the missed opportunity!

So close to the best blog post in history! Martha would have flipped her wig with envy.
Imagine the followers he could have had! The page views on his blog.

This kind of greatness you cannot buy!

Next time, may I suggest Sunday brunch for twelve with Oleander jam on toast points?


Anonymous said...

This is an adorable post. Eddie works my nerves too, from Jaithan his odd partner to his futsy bullshit tables and down to his gelled hair flip - which no gay man in his right mind has bothered with in years, bow-ties (that alone is worth a bitch slap), cheesy bad teeth smile, and fake sachariney wording. Transparent little wanna be whose credentials have recently been sanitized to make mention of growing up in Greenwich, CN (used to only have been born there), blah blah blah, decorating with Goodwill crap, resurrecting tired old white wear and bake-o-lite utensils, to put on that Etsy crap that is so overpriced I spit my own HoHo across the room when I saw his prices! He just irks me honey. I predict next month Sophia Loren sunglasses and scarves worn in the European manner, with more focus on flowers from his tired farmhouse in upstate and more must haves on Etsy that nobody ever really wanted anyway.

Tobi said...

Two words - Kathie. Lee. Did you see that X-Mas atrociousness? I thought Eddie was going to try and crawl in to her uterus, gelled hair flip and all. I swear.

Don't be a stranger A. I need more. NEED, I tell you! You is funny.

pearlywhitegirl said...

You are HILARIOUS. I've been laughing, reading your posts all snowed-in evening. Thank you!

Tobi said...

Oh my, PWG! What big toofs you have! Thanks, I hope you are un-snowed soon! (Holy hell, could I possibly use any more !!! ?)

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