Why Lupita? Why are you so mean?
Are the demands of merchandising footwear giving you gas? Is that what is causing your brow to furrow?
Tell me Lupita, please!
Is it the hammertoes, the bunions, the corns and calluses that have you peeved? Are the Life Stride loafers you purchased with your employee discount pinching your cloven hooves? Is that it? Did your skinny stepsister get the glass slipper while you were stuck marking down 782 pairs of past season Dearfoam slippers?
Is that your problem Lupita? Or is it me?
I admit that I may have overreacted when you told me that you could not help me with my exchange, but Lupita is it really too much to ask that BOTH shoes in the box be the same size, because you see Lupita, both of my feet are the same size. I tried to convince my left foot that the pain would eventually subside after the blood flow had been restricted for a few hours, but it was no use.
I had to bring those shoes back.
I know that I crossed the line when I threatened to set fire to the Huaraches display. But come on Lupita, we both know that Huaraches are ugly anyway. I was trying to save you the trouble of moving them to the clearance table. Face it no one has worn those things since 1985.
The funniest thing happened as the security guard was escorting me off the premises! I noticed the 800 number for your corporate office posted on your front window. And guess what Lupita? I called it! I spoke with the nicest lady (Maybe a transfer to a desk job would improve your disposition—Just a thought). She connected me to your district manager who not only agreed that I can indeed exchange my mismatched sandals, but he also gave me a gift certificate and a 20% off coupon!
Isn’t that swell?
I am so excited! I have decided that I am coming back to your store on Saturday! I want to try on every size 7 in the place. I may even slip on a Huarache just for old time’s sake. It may take hours, but I do not care! We can bond Lupita.
You and I-- Sole sisters!
I have no doubt that you will not mind one little bit if I need to exchange three or four more times before I find the perfect fit. If this news does not cheer you up Lupita, well then, I just don’t know what will!
I will see you Saturday!