Monday, January 12, 2009

Mamas don’t let Your Babies Grow Up to be Bud Trickle

I received an ominous text message from my friend “Wilson” in Kansas:

I have class reunion info.
I w/cu in July.

I had to put my head between my knees to prevent hyperventilation.

The only reason I graduated from high school in the first place is because I was offered a plea deal, I was no more popular with the student body than I was with the faculty. For some reason people are not amused when you steal their cars, even less so when you break their arms (wussies).

If I had only terrorized these people for four years (give or take) I would not feel so bad, but that is not the way it works in Topeka Kansas, most of these tortured souls have been my victims since elementary school. There are many years of grudges being held here people, I am sure of it.

I do not want to let Wilson down, but this could be dangerous, I am not as young and flexible as I used to be. What if they combine forces and try to stuff me in a gym locker? I could break a hip.

I bet Debbie Kerner will be there with her stupid umbrella and Mike Powell “The good Citizen”, (he always volunteered for crossing guard duty in the sixth grade). You know he rues the day that Mrs. Morgan bestowed that deal breaking moniker upon him. It killed any slim chance he had of making out with a girl until college. Who wants to suck face with the Good Citizen?

Then there is Bud Trickle, my first love. The boy who broke my heart. I spent hours looking at disgusting pond water and cheek cells through his microscope. I practiced removing the funny bone from that stupid Operation game for weeks. Why? Because Bud Trickle aspired to be, a doctor and I aspired to be Mrs. Bud Trickle.

My plan was working swimmingly, that is until Bud Trickle noticed Lori Peyton and her boobs. I was no competition for an eleven-year-old Anna Nicole Smith. Bud Trickle was gone in a flash leaving me heart broken and flat chested. I hope Bud Trickle has three chins and a bad case of acid reflux. I may show up just so I can check him out and let him in on a little secret.

Those boobs?
Lori Payton stuffed her bra, you twit!
You dumped the next Madame Curie for a box of Puffs tissues Bud Trickle!

Out-T.

6 comments:

karey m. said...

oh, YOU. ARE. BACK.

{again.} your writing never fails to thrill me. it's different from anything out there...

well done. an flaming cabbage patch doll?! brilliant.

bluestreak said...

tobi, my dear, I am with you on the broken hearted and flat chested bit. unfortunately, it didn't happen all that long ago for me.

Tobi said...

Karey- I am trying to be a big girl about this, but I seriously miss mackin ink!!

BS- I may wear a bra to this event just so I can stuff it.

Stacey said...

T
Dont let me down, we are going to kick ass, drop jaws and take names. The cool thing is that we can still "fit" into that locker I double dog dare them to even try to stuff us in.... I got your back just make sure you still have mine... Lets "strut" ; ) S

Anonymous said...

I like your confidence, but as I remember it was YOU that "hot wired" the car!-- We are toast.

Anonymous said...

awww shit you are right i did do that. Damn Kathy Falleys VW was just way to easy... Lmfao.. Yep we are toast. Oh the memories... hehehe ; )