Saturday, January 10, 2009

Monkey See--Monkey Do

As if I were not charming and alluring enough, it has come to my attention that I have a sexy habit that is sure to attract the (deaf, mute), man of my dreams. In fact, I am expecting Mr. Wonderful at my door on bended knee any moment. I may have to cut this post short. I am sure you will understand.

It seems I am the woman of a thousand faces. What man could resist the feminine wiles of a mime?

Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I apparently wear my disdain, disgust, shock, surprise, and angst on my face. I think this may explain why I have never been successful at poker.

It may also explain why small children and house pets cower in my presence.

All I can say to this shocking revelation is; Why didn’t you bastards tell me sooner? If the reported observations are correct, I have been walking around for the nearly 102 years of my life exposing my inner most feelings to the world without any knowledge of my actions. What goes on between my brain and I is confidential.

It appears my facial features have betrayed me.

To make matters worse, it is reported that this unconscious mugging affects me most when I watch television. Stinky cat food commercials make my nose wrinkle. Slutty contestants on Rock of Love Bus produce a cynical sneer. Couples kissing? Puckered lips.

OH my God, I am a freaking sideshow!

After hearing this tragic news my first impulse was to make an appointment at Dr. 90201’s office for a heavy dose of Botox. A paralyzed face cannot involuntarily contort, now can it? Then I considered seeking employment at a movie theatre, or perhaps a coalmine, some place dark where I can avoid embarrassment.

For now, I think I will just practice my jazz hands while I wait for Mr. Wonderful.

Was that the doorbell?


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