Monday, February 22, 2010

I am Your Scary Blog Mother


Once upon a time, there was an unfortunate fireplace. This fireplace was a plain, square, big, blonde brick shit house of a fireplace. For nearly fifty years the fireplace had survived Hip Cats and Hippies and Yuppies and Hipsters unscathed.
If you take a moment to recollect the truly horrible things that people have done to their fireplaces throughout the years, then perhaps you would conclude that the fireplace was not so unfortunate after all.


But if you did that then the story would end here.



And while no one could blame you for wanting a quick end to this story, you are not getting off that easily.


So don’t do it...

Now then, on with the story. One day The Unfortunate Fireplace was minding its own business when some crazy oldish chick with bad hair and an unhealthy affinity for spray paint showed up.

Who are you and why are you here?"  asked the Unfortunate Fireplace

I am your Scary Blog Mother and I am here to transform you into a thing of beauty.” replied the crazy chick.


Thing of beauty.

Needless to say, the fireplace was skeptical, not because The Unfortunate Fireplace questioned its potential for beauty, more because the fireplace questioned the ability of anyone with hair so heinous to change anything for the better.

Do you have a magic wand?” inquired The Unfortunate Fireplace.

Wand, schwand!” said the Scary Blog Mother. I have paint, and the advice of commenters who have no vested interest in the outcome of this project, what more do you want from me?”

The Unfortunate Fireplace felt it best not to answer that.

So the Scary Blog Mother set about gluing and painting and swearing, and also whining.  For days this went on.  At one point, the Unfortunate Fireplace wished that it would spontaneously combust, as did the Scary Blog Mother.


But they persevered, and now the Scary Blog Mother is posting the results of the transformation on the World Wide Web so in twenty years when big, square, blonde brick shit houses of a fireplace are all the rage, someone can do a Google image search and recollect what truly horrible things people have done to their fireplaces throughout the years.


And they all lived happily ever after.

The End
Out-
T

images:http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3037/2843316137_f8153f7785.jpg?v=0, http://ankastreasures.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fireplace.jpg

11 comments:

HOBAC said...

A thing of beauty indeed!

Tobi said...

Thanks HOBAC, it's not quite done but I think it might just work.

Connie said...

Much improved! I love the red walls too :)

Tobi said...

C- Holy crap, it was touch and go for a while. It is not easy to appear confident with tears streaking the paint on your face.

Connie said...

We move a lot so most of my painting is less decor, and more home maintenance. Last place we owned had previously been inhabited by people who should have had their Home Depot licenses revoked. Tears of frustration are a permanent part of the fix-ups I did on that place! I know that home fix-up can be fun, that place was just work :P

Lolo said...

Show off.

I mean that in the best way possible.

your friend laura said...

indeed la, my dear tobi.

i think i might want to make out with it.

i'm just sayin'.

love you.

xoxo,
l.

Tobi said...

lolo- It was show off or show my ass... could have gone either way! Now if I could just get the glue out of my hair.

Tobi said...

L- No smooching the masonry, it will chap your lips!

LYG-
T

Linenqueen said...

You done good girl. Minimal investment maximal return. It was time for a change. Now that you have had this flaming success what's next? Ann

Tobi said...

LQ-It is on to the dreaded "TV wall" Still so many opportunities for disaster yet to come!