Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Do I Have to Do That Too?


I have to do everything around here. I swear it is taxing.

This morning for example-

“You see Officer, at approximately 0-nine hundred hours I was on the balcony freezing my face off smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee getting a breath of fresh air and practicing Tai Chi, when I heard glass breaking below in the parking lot.

I spotted two suspects in a late model Ford Bronco, maroon in color, license number TXthr2367. One suspect was breaking the windows on the subject vehicle with what appeared to be a crowbar. I immediately shouted What the fuck do you think you are doing you assholes? Stop or I will call the police!

When they heard me, the suspects left the scene in the Ford Bronco headed eastbound on Stupidity St. I called 911, located the owner of the vehicle, questioned the Manager of the employment agency next door and obtained the suspects names, addresses, phone numbers and drivers license numbers from the job applications they had filled out moments prior to their crime spree, while I waited for you to arrive.

Here is my contact information in case you have further questions. Now, if you will excuse me I have to go back to the balcony to finish my coffee and cigarette work.”

“Thank you Ma’am for trying to help but I am afraid that there is no way to tie the suspects from the vehicle to the employment agency, so I won’t be able to use that information”

“Did I hear you correctly Officer? Did you really just say what I think you said?”

“I’m sorry Ma’am, but there is no way to use the information you provided.”

"Yes, I heard that part. Use the license plate number (Duh).  The car should be registered to one of the suspects (Insert deep sigh and eye roll here).

I mean did I just hear you call me Ma’am?
You DID NOT just call me Ma'am!
Did. You?"

"No"
"No, Ma..."

"Fine then Officer, are you going to go arrest these assholes criminals, or do I have to do that too?"

Out-
T

3 comments:

Connie said...

Get 'em!

Tobi said...

Two guys were breaking in to cars in daylight on a busy street? I didn't get it. Shouldn't they have been a little bit afraid of getting caught? Then I talked to the police guy and I got it. Sheesh.

Connie said...

That is ridiculous. I lived in Georgia for awhile, and though you have to draw the line somewhere with police brutality, there's something to be said for tough guy, no nonsense cops too. Among other things, I saw some GA cops drag a kid into a gas station for a bit of middle of the night behavior rehab (without his parents - they supported this), for driving off with gas earlier that day. They couldn't arrest him. The store wasn't going to prosecute for such a small amount stolen, but those cops scared the crap out of that kid .. yelled at him, told him he could go to jail (lie, but the kid didn't know), made him apologize over and over, etc. Basically, they called him a lowlife and shamed him for being a thief. Told him in no uncertain terms that the 'games' he was playing, were not socially acceptable. IMO, that was a good use of taxpayer dollars. Sounds like you need some good ol' boy cops (not the racist kind, but the type-a, drill sgt, this is my town, kind) in your neighborhood.