Sunday, May 4, 2008

Good Lord, I Think I Have Polygamist Hair

On a recent trip to the over-priced hair salon that I am privileged enough to be a client of, I mentioned to my snarky stylist (We'll call her E. Scissorhands), that I was considering bangs.

"Bangs?" (It was more like, "baaangs?").
E. Scissorhands sneered, followed by a long-suffering sigh. I can't swear to it, but I think she rolled her eyes too.

I immediately launched into a long explanation, which in retrospect, was totally unnecessary, considering I am the one paying the outrageous bill. I waited over a week for an appointment, which by the way, was at a totally inconvenient time of day. I am a full-grown woman, capable of making my own hair decisions. What's so bad about bangs anyway, Dammit?

What I said was:
"Do you ever watch The L. Word?
I love The L. Word.
Not that I'm a lesbian or anything, because I'm not.
Don't get me wrong--
I don't have anything against lesbians. I think lesbians are great.
I watch the Ellen show every chance I get, which isn't often, but I do watch it.
I watch Oprah too.
I'm not saying Oprah's a lesbian, although I have wondered about her and Gayle, and the whole thing with Stedman.
I mean, he could be Oprah's beard, right?
It has been twenty years, after all.
Do lesbians have beards, or is that a guy thing?
I like guys, not gay guys of course, because they wouldn't like me.
Not that straight guys like me, per se, but at least I have a better chance with straight guys.
Do you like guys?
Oh Jeez, you're not a lesbian are you?
Not that I have anything against lesbians, I think they're great.
I watch The L. Word all the time and Jenny is my favorite character and she has bangs and they look so great that I was considering bangs. But if you don't think it's a good idea, then I totally understand.
It's no big deal. We don't have to do bangs if you don't want to.
They won't make me look like a lesbian, will they?
Not that I have anything against lesbians. I think lesbians are great.
So, what do you think?
About bangs, I mean, not lesbians."

To which E. Scissorhands replied,
"I'll do it, but you'll hate it."

"OK," I said.

So she did it, and I hate it.

And instead o
f looking like this:

I look more like this:

Not that I have anything against polygamists. I think polygamists are great.

Out-(of style, not the closet) T.

image : mid mad /rockhandsome

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog via a comment you left on mine--thank you, I love it! And polygamist hair? Dearie me, unwind that braid ASAP! :)

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