Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A Handy Tip For New Homeowners

When storing open bags of frozen Geno's Pizza Rolls, it is best to carefully secure the package and place it back in the freezer in a location as far away from the automatic ice dispenser as possible.

The reasons for this may not be immediately obvious, however, if not properly attended to, the open bag may become dislodged by the actions of a pre-menstrual homeowner searching for the last pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream ,the contents then spill into the ice storage container, where upon they are promptly covered with sparkling new cubes of the refreshment-enhancing condiment.

Weeks later the unsuspecting homeowner may then go to the kitchen in search of a tasty beverage during a commercial break of American Idol, and in her haste to return to the program without missing one second of Paula Abdul's bizarre behavior, inadvertently dispense the offending pizza roll(s) into her plastic Dickey's Bar-B-Que cup and drown it with Diet Dr. Pepper, being none the wiser.

If you are a homeowner who is prone to hysteria and/or hypochondria I don't think I need to tell you what the adverse effects of this action could be. If you're not, let me lay it out for you:
As the pizza roll thaws it floats to the top of the cup. A homeowner engrossed in her favorite T.V reality show may not immediately notice, but at some point she will pick up on a strange after taste. Upon closer inspection the floater is visible, but no longer identifiable as a Pizza Roll. It looks more like a hairless mouse, or a toe.

Having heard the horror stories of body parts found in chili, the traumatized homeowner may naturally assume that the offending object came from the Dr. Pepper bottle. After ten minutes of incoherent babbling , sobbing, and loud nose blowing, the victimized homeowner may then start a frantic search for the "Welcome To The Neighborhood" package left on the door step by the nice church ladies because the homeowner refused to answer the door when they stopped by.

She in all probability will continue to search because she is certain that there is a magnet with the poison control centers phone number in that package. The number that could save her life. If she dies, it is her own fault. She was killed by her own vanity. At the time she dismissed the magnet (and the nice church ladies) as being decidedly un-hip. Unnecessary. Not worth her attention.

Just as all hope is lost it is possible that the new homeowner will have a moment of clarity and say to herself: "The phone, find the phone. Call B.F.S.K. (best friend since kindergarten) S.- She's a nurse."
The call would then transpire as follows:
T: (insert hic-cups and snot) Hi, It's me. I love you and I'm sorry. Will you take care of Vivian after I'm gone? I know she's a pain in the ass, but there's really no one else I trust.
Please make sure that my last outfit is cute, something low cut, I paid a lot of money for the twins and I want them to go out in style.
T: Are you there?
T: S.?
S: What is it now?
T: I've accidentally ingested a carbonated mouse, or maybe it was a toe, but either way, I've seen cases like this on Dr. G-Medical examiner and I'm fairly certain I'm a goner.
S: A toe? You swallowed a toe? One of yours, or someone else's?
T: It was either a toe or a mouse. I didn't swallow it. I drank the Dr. Pepper it was soaking in.
S: So you still have the the toe?
T: Yes, It's in the Dickeys' Bar-B Que cup by the sofa. Should I save it for the pathologist?
S: No, You idiot take the cup to the sink and see what's in it.
T: Oh My God! I don't know what this is, but it has guts. Gross! I'm dead for sure.
S: Go get the ice container from the freezer and dump it out in the sink.
T: Oh, Dear God there's more, a whole family of mice...or toes...Wait, no, they're not. I don't know what they are. They look like pizza rolls!
S: How many times have I told you to close shit properly before you put it back in the freezer? Now turn off the T.V. and go to bed.
T: Yea, OK, ha ha sorry...Do you think the pizza rolls are still good?

I would appreciate it if someone could fill me in on what happened on American Idol last night.
S. is not speaking to me.

Barb said...

OMG! I think I just pissed myself... My dogs are staring at me right now like I have totally lost my f'ing mind...

I have a new favorite blog...

Tobi said...

I hate to admit that this really happened...(blush) So stupid, but so true.
Thanks Barb, you are my NBBFSY (new best blog friend since yesterday)

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