Monday, May 5, 2008

A Jury Of Her Peers?

Maybe--if I had been arrested by the fashion police.

Oh, the humanity! Jury duty is not pretty. I learned this first-hand recently. I survived the trip to the courthouse, the shake down by security, and the maze of confusing halls and corridors that is the County Court House. I arrived at the jury intake office only slightly past my appointed call time. Not bad, considering.

The intake office is directly across from the dismissal office, which is coincidentally adjacent to the county jail. It is my firm belief that inmates are offered early release if they agree to be part of the county jury pool.

Fill out the Jury Summons, pick up a plastic badge, sit, and wait. That's the drill. I spent the first thirty minutes reading last month's copy of Domino. The next thirty minutes drug on while I gave Drew Barrymore a blue beard and mustache. I also colored her finger nails blue, as this seems to be a popular color (for fingers, as well as toes) with potential jurors.

My observations lead me to wonder; When did it become acceptable for overweight middle aged men to wear sweatpants in public? This should be an arrestable offense.
How about deodorant? Is that really too much to ask?
P.S.-The Cowboys haven't won a Super Bowl since 1994, when you were thirty pounds lighter. Get a new T-shirt.

I have some advice for the women as well: Leggings are heinous. Bra straps are not a fashion accessory. In most drug stores nail polish remover is conveniently located near the nail polish.
Plastic shoes are only cute on girls under five years of age, even if they are adorned with large pink chrysanthemums.

If squeezing into your pants requires the velocity of jumping off the roof of your doublewide--they are too tight. Not that I have anything against doublewides, I'm just saying.

I shudder to think that twelve of these people could be trusted with the responsibility of deciding my future if I was unfortunate enough to require their services, unless of course I was arrested by the fashion police. In which case, I would get off scott free.


image: daniela

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