According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there is exactly one person in the United States with my name... Me. There are rumored to be several Beagles and an Airedale or two that share my moniker, but the U.S. Government does not count dogs.
I am moderately disturbed that I am the only one in the whole country saddled with this weirdness. No one else's parents did this to them. Does that mean your mom likes you better?
I have always wondered what the hell my parent's were thinking. They were a normal, young, Midwestern couple on the day of my birth. Conservative, even. This is not a nickname, or a family name, or even the name of a movie star of the era. No, they came up with this beauty all on their own.
I can imagine the scene in the hospital, when the nurse handed them their brand new bundle of joy, all swaddled in pinkness. The picture of wrinkled newborn perfection. These two looked at each other and said: "Let's name her Toby".
Is that the way it happened? Was this Judy's idea? Did she turn to my Dad and say; "Oh, Elmer (How is Elmer for an awful name? He should have known better) Toby is perfect, I love it!" Did he then reply: "But Judy, I don't think Toby is quite strange enough for our little girl. I think we should spell it weird too. How about Tobi? That's better, don't you agree?" "Oh yes, much better. I don't think she'll mind correcting people for the rest of her life, Tobi it is!"
They may as well have just named me "Apple Dumpling with Cinnamon Sauce", "Miss Blueberry Muffin", "Little Banana Cream Pie". They are all equally sickeningly sweet!
Have you ever known a Brain Surgeon named Tobi? What about a Politician? A District Attorney maybe? No, no you have not, and do you know why? Because their moms liked them better. That's why.
I know what you are thinking: “I did know a Basset Hound named Toby one time…”. Thanks. Thanks a lot.