Monday, August 11, 2008

Ask me Anything

Today for your viewing enjoyment I bring you John Travolta. The John Travolta of better days. Cuter days. Days before scientology and the ravages of time had taken their toll. I loved Vinny Bobarino with all my heart. A love so strong that even Shaun Cassidy could not compete for my attention. Why, you ask? because John (Vinny) looked exactly like Mike Brown. The most beautiful boy in the world. The boy that got away. All because of my over active competitive tendencies and an AMC Gremlin. Well Up your nose with a rubber hose Mike Brown. Nobody likes a sore loser.

This is the first installment of "Ask me Anything" (Thank you, OHJ for coming to my rescue).
It is my attempt to make up for the lame Eight-Ball post that appeared instead of the traditional "100 Things About Me" entry in celebration of post 100 on this blog. I suck, I know, Sorry. blah blah... Anyway here are the answers to the burning questions that inquiring minds want to know.

The question “Did you ever drive or ride in a Gremlin?”

No. I did, however, ruin my chance for true love in the eighth grade when I made Mike Brown (The most beautiful boy in the world) look like a douche in front of Mrs. Burton's Social Studies class by correctly answering the final question in the Friday current events game.
The question: Name an AMC Vehicle.
His answer: Vega.
A dumb answer made even more humiliating because A) He was a boy and B) His family owned a chain of car dealerships. As much as I wanted him to marry me, I wanted to win more. I answered the question correctly (Gremlin). The crowd went wild. Mike Brown never spoke to me again. I had the gift of emasculation even then.

The Question “Did you attend more than 1 prom?” “Do you still have your prom dress? If so, have you worn it in the past 5 years for any reason?"

No. No. And No. I was much too cool for prom. I do remember having an unnatural attraction to fingerless lace gloves.

The Question “Do you own a gun? Sometimes wish you did? Have a secret list of those who might see the business end of it?”

If I owned a gun, the streets of Fort Worth Texas would be littered with wounded Mailmen, Trash men, old men, Salesmen, Weathermen, UPS men, lawn guys, cowboys, clowns. I would put a cap in all of their asses. Just because I could. Armadillos, I would totally murder Armadillos. I would shoot out the tires of any car displaying a “My kid is on the honor roll” bumper sticker. Lest you think I would discriminate while on my murderous rampage I have saved a few bullets for Mary Kay ladies, Sonic Drive- In car hops, and all members of any home owners association lawn beautification committees. They would all be sorry! I think it is better for everyone if I do not carry a weapon.


The Question “Ever been a bridesmaid? More than twice?
More times than I care to count. I made throw pillows out of one of the lovely dresses. The rest went to Goodwill so some less fortunate bridesmaid could share the joy of pink taffeta.

The Question “Are you smarter than your boss? your dog?”

My dog is smarter than my boss.

The Question "Did you ever think that SD might need his hearing tested?"

Sugar Daddy (The boyfriend formerly known as Doo-Doo head) is deaf as a stone. Unfortunate for him. Highly amusing for me. I relish each opportunity to interpret what he thinks he just heard. This is greatness in my opinion. I never pass up the opportunity to lie for my own entertainment.

Case in point: Pizza guy delivers pizza. Sugar Daddy pays. I stand at the door trying to resist the urge to tear the pizza box from the delivery guys hands and help myself to a slice right in the middle of the living room.

The delivery guy takes the proffered loot then asks SD " Do you want any cheese or red pepper?" (As in packets of Parmesan and pepper flakes).

I shake my head no and close the door.

SD still looks slightly confused (This is where the greatness comes in).

I wait for a slow count of ten to give pizza guy time to get back to his car.

Then I turn to SD and say " I can't believe you let him talk to you like that!"

SD ( Being the macho caveman in metro-sexual clothing that he is) responds " What did he say?"

Me- "Something about you being a cheap old' effer... Didn't you tip him?

SD- " I want my $5 back, I will kick his tattooed ass!"

See what I mean? Hilarious.

Well kids, that does it for this weeks installment of Ask me Anything. Keep those cards and letters coming. I will be here next week. same time, same place to give you more answers to questions that no one really cares to hear the answers to.


Out-T

4 comments:

Old House Junkie said...

Tobi, I laughed out loud! Super post.

Your answers were much better than the questions! I'll have to keep thinking.

ohj

Tobi said...

OHJ- Thank you, I appreciate the feedback! More next week...If you can stand it.

Old House Junkie said...

Tobi,

Did you ever own a home with a leaky basement?
Do you think the dog's personality mirrors the human's personality?
Does SD read your blog?
Does Big Judes read your blog? Does she know you have a blog?
Do you adore valances, swags, scarves?
Is your lawn everything it could be and more?
Have you changed your HVAC filters within the past 6 months?
Did you ever wear pegged-leg jeans or tight-rolled jeans? Are there photos?
Do you ever eat the breakfast of champions?
Do you enjoy baby shower games?
Is Viv named after Vivian Vance?
Did you think I had forgotten you?

Only a few questions this week. I'll keep thinking.

ohj

Anonymous said...

Ur to much fun. Like a cup of coffe i like. Bitter and murky but good. Not fond of kids. But love my dogs. LOVE MY DOGS.