Friday, August 1, 2008

Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Condiments

This is Post #99 in the “100 Posts In One Hundred Days Marathon.” It has actually been 99 posts in 100 days but who is counting (besides me)? I am happy to report that after ninety-nine posts I still have a friend. I have not been fired from my job (dammit). I am not being sued and my boyfriend still speaks to me (occasionally). My family never really spoke to me before so, those relationships are still intact. All in all, the experiment has been a success.

That is not to say every post was a success. No, far from it. There are many that I consider truly cringe-worthy. I have no doubt that if you have read this blog more than once you would agree. All grammatical and punctuation errors aside, some entries were just plain awful. I will not apologize. No, that would be too easy. Instead, I thought I would give you, Dear Reader, a few examples of deleted posts. I want illustrate how much I care about you and your happiness.

Will Beg For Boobs: A website where you can go to post pictures of your less than perfect boobs and complete strangers will donate money for enhancement. Isn’t this what makes our country great? Maybe not.

Liv-A-Snap Crotch. An intriguing tale of a panty eating Toy Poodle (who shall remain nameless) and her traumatized owner.

Death By Kitchen-Aide, A witty little rant about murder with a hand held mixer. Complete with a delicious recipe for Brain Salad.

Kleenex Tissues, Doublemint Gum and Dentures, The contents of my Old Granny’s pockets. Who cares? Really?

Psycho Clown And The Missing Nose, Admitting that you dated a clown is humiliating. Telling the internets you stole his nose may be libelous. I thought better of it.

I think you get the idea. You see, it could have been worse. Way worse!
I have discovered that blogging has rewards and consequences.
The rewards:
1. All of the good writers and interesting people behind those blogs that have exposed themselves to me (so to speak).
2. I have spent less money shopping. It could be argued that I have traded one bad habit for another.
3.Blogging is cheap. I am nothing if not cheap.
4.I have lost five pounds. You cannot eat Cheetos while typing.

The consequences:
1.You cannot eat Cheetos if you never go to the grocery store.
2.My refrigerator contains ninety-nine bottles of expired condiments and a science experiment in the crisper drawer.
3.The New Digs has not had a good cleaning in almost 100 days. I am expecting BFSK S. (Best friend since Kindergarten) and the Merry Maids swat team at my door for an intervention any day now.
4. I realized very quickly that the mention of a blog makes normal peoples' eyes glaze over.
5. If I am any indication, bloggers must be very hairy people. Nothing has been shaved, plucked, trimmed, or shorn in weeks.
6. You fail to send your mother a present on her birthday. Instead you resort to a lame mention in a blog post entitled "Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Condiments" that she will likely never see. Happy Birthday Big Judes--Your crappy daughter loves you!

Tomorrow I will celebrate post 100 with a charming entry entitled “One Hundred Things You Never Wanted To Know." After that, we will see.

If there is any doubt that this blog jumped the shark about fifty days ago here is the post that should have appeared yesterday.

Who Needs Red Bull?

Who needs Red Bull when you can have "Unagi Nobori," or "Surging Eel," A fizzy yellow canned beverage made in Japan from eel guts.
"It's mainly for men who are exhausted by the summer's heat," a company spokesman said of the beverage. You can read more about it here.

Until tomorrow.

Bluestreak said...

I would have loved to read about the panty eating poodle.

hahaha re science experiment in the crisper. I wish my science experiments were just confined to that small space. Right now my whole god damn fridge looks like a science lab, complete with test tubes of unidentifiable liquids(i.e. condiments).

good think I´m leaving on holidays tomorrow, gonna dump the entire sucker out.

Tobi said...

BS- Oh my God, the poodle...I mean- humping your leg is one thing. But this? Unspeakable! Have a great trip!

Barb said...

OMFG... you really do crack me up! I still say you should post the crotch and clown stories... if anything, it would be cheap therapy. :)

Tobi said...

Barb- I never thought of it that way. Plan on a Liv-a-snap post in the future!

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