Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Three- Karat Zit

A big honking zit on your chin is not the end of the world. A make up resistant blemish the size of a three-karat diamond adorning your face is most likely not noticeable, unless, of course, you are standing closer than a football field to anyone who is not legally blind. If you are? Then people notice. Oh yes, they notice. They stare and smirk, because when you are my age a spot the size of Dallas on your face should be uncommon, out of place. Sort of like a Baptist in a liquor store. It is not natural.

Blemishes of this magnitude demand attention. I stopped at the drug store on the way to work in search of a miracle. Amongst the Oxy Wash and the Clearasil pads, I spotted a product that made my heart break a little. It was Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle, Anti-Blemish cleanser. OH MY GOD! I could not look. It was too horrifying. The drug store is not an appropriate place for a post- birthday melt down.

I moved on in search of Sea Breeze. From the top shelf I could hear the tubes of cleanser taunting me “Hey you! Old chick with the big zit!-- You need us! Put down that greasy kid stuff. You are too O. L. D. You need the shit with wrinkle protection!” I caved. They were right... Dammit!

Who has wrinkles and pimples at the same time? What do you call this condition, pinkles? Is it too much to ask to move forward from the acne filled days of prolonged adolescence into some sort of big girl complexion normalcy before I am forced to contemplate the best way to combat crow’s feet? In the coming months will I be found wandering the aisles of CVS Pharmacy in search of thong back Depends undergarments and cartoon shaped Geritol tablets?

What happened to midlife? I did not even get to have a good crisis. One day I was young and cute. The next, oily and wrinkled. I have heard of combination skin but this is ridiculous.

Zits and wrinkles -- Fasten your seat belts as the Sunny Acres Retirement train prepares to leave the station. Next stop embalming fluid.
I think now may be the perfect time for a post-birthday melt down.

Please pass the chocolate.

Donna said...

Oh. My. God. I cannot stop laughing. Pinkles. You must run out immediately and trademark that phrase. And I for one think Depends could run a co-promotion: buy one Depends thong, get 10% off your next wonderbra. So you can look sexy up top even while you're leaking down below.

Thanks for the laugh...

Old House Junkie said...

Oh, Tobi, I'm afraid I'm not worthy to post a comment on the blog of someone who coins the word "pinkles"!!

As someone who is leading the way to old lady-hood, let me assure you there are lots of unpleasant things waiting for you, but they are far outweighed by the pleasant and surprising things that await you.


Bluestreak said...

Oh yeah, I have total pinkles.

I think I got like one day of ideal skin, and then the next day the wrinkles appeared, but that didn´t keep the teenager zits away.

But I do think that anything that claims to help wrinkles AND pimples at the same time has got to be BULLLLLL.

Barb said...

Pinkles... OMG... can't. stop. giggling...

Tobi said...

I think I bought the wrong product. It seems that Cambodian women are using the lubricant from a particular brand of condom (the one preferred by sex workers) to treat acne with miraculous results. If I put condoms all over my face, then no one will see the wrinkles!

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