Friday, August 8, 2008

Blue Anchovy Spiderweb Sherbet

Elton John has his own Ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream, no less. This totally pisses me off. Lord knows, if consumption were the determining factor in who gets their own ice cream, then there is no doubt that a picture of Yours Truly would have been gracing the cover of ice cream tubs long ago. I assure you I have consumed more ice cream than Elton John and Jerry Garcia put together. They may have sold more records. Big deal. In my opinion that should have no bearing on who gets an ice cream flavor.

Elton John has talent. Talent and ice cream do not mix. If you have talent, why do you need ice cream? It makes no sense. The same goes for considerate boyfriends, a swimsuit you are not embarrassed to wear, and an unlimited shopping budget. If you have these things then you do not need frozen treats of any kind, let alone your very own ice cream flavor. This is outrageous!

To make matters worse Sir Bitchy Pants has named his flavor "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road." Excuse me? Which one of us is from Kansas? Who was forced to watch re-runs of The Wizard of Oz on Memorial Day weekend for over twenty years? Who was traumatized by flying monkeys and spastic midgets all in the name of tradition and State Spirit? (because let’s face it, Kansas is not famous for a whole lot of other things). Who suffered endless Dorothy jokes?
Me dammit! I did! Who got the ice cream flavor?
Not me! It was some English guy who has probably never been to Kansas. This is a travesty.

I thought about a letter writing campaign. I briefly had plans to rally all of my supporters to of protest the injustice I have suffered. I had visions of a public apology from Ben and Jerry and Sir Bitchy Pants as well. If they refused to apologize, I would sue them in civil court for 10% of their net worth claiming that I was suffering from anxiety and hemorrhoids. My faith in recombinant bovine somatotropin free products has been shaken to the core. I scrapped this idea after I learned that some other crazy bitch innocent victim had already stolen my spotlight with her outlandish claim against another Mrs. Minister Bitchy Pants. Besides, a trumped up lawsuit would require that I surrender my chunk spelunker membership. I could never do that.

I have decided to cut Ben and his little friend Jerry some slack. I have forgiven them for the oversight. I am not however ready to forget. I still want my own ice cream flavor. It just so happens that it is indeed possible for those of us without our own ice cream to compensate for our serious lack of sweetness by generating a custom flavor. Apparently, I am not the only one with this ice cream dream. I feel better knowing this.


Now then, would anyone care for a heaping dish of Blue Anchovie Spiderweb Sherbet?

Delicious!

Out-T.

2 comments:

Old House Junkie said...

Tobi, I was just over at retrorenovation.com and she's got a link to a newspaper article that I found both attractive and repulsive at the same time. I know I'll be thinking about it awhile. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1042702/Time-Warp-Wives-Meet-women-really-live-past.html

Thought you might enjoy seeing it.

Tobi said...

OHJ- Lobotomy much? Insanity does hold a certain allure