Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Groucho's Other Brother

If it is important that the carpet match the drapes, then it makes sense that the valances should coordinate as well. Don’t you agree? I selected a lovely auburn shade, Mocha Splash, by L’Oreal, because I am worth it. I waited until this morning, partly because I am lazy and partly because impending rain made it seem more like fall. Mocha Splash is an Autumnal hue selected specifically for the changing season. I had visions of new bouncy, shiny, oh -so rich and lovely hair. The Breck girl reincarnate with matching valances. Because I am worth it.

Now I am sitting at my desk straining to see the computer monitor through dark sunglasses. I have concocted a story of conjunctivitis. The threat of a communicable disease seems to have convinced my co-workers to keep their distance. It is not a total lie. My eyes are pink, from crying, or a bad reaction to nail polish remover, or both maybe.

The box clearly said, "Do not use on the eye area, blindness can occur." Pffft...What do they know? I am sure people do this all the time. Shouldn't your eyebrows match your hair? Yes, I think they should. Why didn't I think of this a long time ago?

I still cannot believe how quickly thirty minutes turned into ninety. Hair and eyebrows were slathered in goop. I donned a lovely purple shower cap to protect the dreaded white carpet from dye drippage and poured a cup of coffee. Shortly thereafter came the code blue from the laundry room. The geriatric washing machine was suddenly rendered incontinent and was spewing suds on the floor. Dammit!

When the emergency was over, I stepped into the shower to wash away the hair dye and Spring Fresh Gain laundry detergent. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror. OH MY GOD! I am Groucho’s other brother, Fucko!

Fucko -
A jackass, dumbshit sort of person, who tries to be smart about things, although ends up with their head up their ass.

No amount of scrubbing, scouring or caustic chemical application can dull the permanent pigment that is Mocha Splash. It appears that the warning on the box was correct. Hair dye applied to the eye area can indeed cause blindness. By this time next week I am certain I will be blind from wearing my sunglasses indoors.


Simple Answer said...

What a scream!

Tobi said...

SA- Speaking of scream... Fingernail polish remover applied to the face OMG.

Petunia Face said...

Oh dear. I am long versed in the fine art of at home hair dye and suggest using harsh dish soap like Palmolive to break down the color. Of course I make NO claims as to how this might mix with your eyes. And I'm pretty sure Madge wouldn't know, either.

karey m. said...

i'm sorry. i shouldn't be laughing.

but fucko? genius.

perhaps i should change uncle sugar's name? xoxo...

Connie said...

Become cat-like, emit a smug attitude of "I meant to do it, what's your problem?!"

Old House Junkie said...

First you give me "pinkles" to think (laugh) about and now Groucho's other brother?

I have some really cheap concealer that I bet would paint that unibrow right out of the picture - it's off to CVS for you, baby. ohj

ps: I always thought about doing it. The thought has completely left me now. Thanks for the warning.

Tobi said...

If any of you happen to find yourselves in this sort of pickle (which I doubt because you are all smarter than I am). I have been advised by BFSK S. (three days too late) that MORE hair dye applied to the affected area then wiped off quickly will remove the offending unibrow.

Please be aware that she lies sometimes (for amusement at my expense) before trying this at home.

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