Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mr. Wonderful

Do you see this? This is a problem.

I purchased a stunning bench for the New Digs (I hate this whole “New Digs” thing, have I told you that? No? Well I do, but it seems a little late in the game to change it now, and besides, I can’t come up with anything better, except maybe The Den of Iniquity, which would probably make Big Judes worry, so for now, we are sticking with the New Digs. Okey dokey?).

Anyway, I purchased this damm stunning bench without giving any thought to the fact that it is made of steel. The bench weighs as much as my next-door neighbor.  It took two grown men and one scary woman, (Who I am pretty sure spends her free time as a pivot in a roller derby league. It was the tattoos and tutu that made me draw this conclusion, but I could be wrong), to hoist the stunning bench into my car.

At the time, it didn’t occur to me that I might have a problem getting the stunning bench out of the car. Even when all three ex-cons helpers had to lie on their backs and use their legs close the door. It did occur to me that I wanted to kick their asses for putting their feet on my car, but I was afraid, so I let it slide.

On a side note, if you are planning to murder your neighbor, make sure you have accomplices; because there is no way you will be able to dispose of the body by yourself. I am not kidding.

For a week, I have been driving around with this big ass box in my front seat. Because, Hello?  I can’t get it out. The box restricts my vision. Not that I use the mirrors much anyway, except to apply lip-gloss, but still.  This stupid box is ruining my life.

It is very much like a boyfriend. A life ruiner.

So, what does a bitchy girl do when a roller derby queen hands her a life ruining cardboard boyfriend?

Stuff her bra?
No, she does not.
She embraces him.

Meet Mr. Wonderful.

We’ve only been together a few days, but I think I am falling for him... He gets me. He is the Penn to my Teller. (Or, is it the other way around? Who cares. I'm in love). He may be a little one dimensional, but then, aren't they all?  He is sort of cute, also totally recyclable. I am hopeful that he will be my ticket to the HOV lane. It is still too early to tell. We are trying not to rush things.

The best thing about him is, he is not my dead neighbor.
Imagine what a problem that would be.

pillowthrowdecor said...

maison21 brought my attention to your blog for which I must thank him. This glimpse of your life is much better than the weekend cartoons. Thanks for the giggle!

La Maison Fou said...

Yep, this is funny stuff, brought to you by M21......I will be back!

Margaret said...

Oh Lawd, do not get him wet, whatever you do! Soggy cardboard smell is a whole new P*Funk smell in itself.

Tobi said...

Hey Y’all!

Thanks for dropping in. I feel like a bad host. I should offer you cookies, or a pedicure or something, shouldn’t I?

How about that M21? Could you just squeeze the snot out of him or what?

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