Saturday, January 16, 2010

Grandma Got Run Over By a Credenza

Good Saturday morning Chickens! You will never believe where I am off to today. I have been commissioned (If you count a pound of flesh as an acceptable form of payment, and I do. Believe that.) to transform this:



In to something that is, well, not this. Can you believe that the owner of this hideousness is not a ninety-year-old Alzheimer’s patient? Me either (neither? You say potato etc.).

My client (Why does that word sound dirty when I say it?) seems a little skeptical  because the only experience on my resume is blog reading, but I refuse to listen to any whining.

"Be a good boy and give Granny a kiss good bye, you will take my pretty shit and like it!"

I think Dom D├ęcor may be a new trend. You heard it here first.

Out-
 T

14 comments:

HOBAC said...

Grammar. Surely it should be, "Grandma done got run over by a credenza." Congratulations, it's sure to be gorgeous.

Tobi said...

Holy crap Hobac, what was I thinking? I bet Ladybird will try to revoke my Texas citizenship because of this.
Oh, wait… she’s dead. I’m safe!

Anonymous said...

A man who gives a girl a pound of flesh, gets his floors done and his house decorated....Hum... I would say, he's a pretty smart who wouldn't want a dumb, desparate girl.

Tobi said...

For fucks-sake Anon, if you are going to be an asshole then please put a little effort in to it. Dumb, desperate girl is one of the nicer things I have been called this week.

Anonymous said...

I would never let my girlfriend or friend do that. If you call a nice guy looking out for you an asshole, then maybe you don't know any nice guys.

Tobi said...

Apparently, Shylock and I have more in common than our acceptance of flesh as payment.

Your scorn/pity is more than welcome here Anon, but please do not try to tell me that comment was meant to be nice. I ain’t buying it. I stand by my asshole assertion.

Additionally, I am led to wonder if your reaction to this particular entry would have been the same if I had told you that my “client” was a woman. Somehow, I doubt it.

The reality is, given the opportunity; I would put my grubby mitts on almost anyone’s house.

Hell Anon, I would gladly come to your house and throw your ugly shit away if you would let me, and so far, I don’t even like you that much.

Anonymous said...

Your ridgid hostility toward yourself and others, your self degradation and your degradation of others is typical for woman suffering abuse, low self esteem and depression. I am a professional Christian counselor. Happened on your site by accident. Hope you seek help. Forgive me for the intrusion.

Sarah said...

I have commissioned you for transformations in the past...I promise your client he will not be disappointed! Good work and good friends are worth any payment...
BFSK

maison21 said...

Your ridgid hostility toward yourself and others, your self degradation and your degradation of others is typical for woman suffering abuse, low self esteem and depression. I am a professional Christian counselor. Happened on your site by accident. Hope you seek help. Forgive me for the intrusion.

holy shit.

jesus must be so proud of his 'professional Christian counselor'! wasn't that part of his last sermon? "go forth and be a dick in my name"?

Lolo said...

Christian, (oh, the coincidence is too silly) I choose to believe that he got his counseling certificate from the Pat Robertson University of You Totally Deserve This.

Tobi said...

Dang y'all, I think I hit a nerve. For the record, "a pound of flesh" did not imply a pound of "weener". It saddens me to admit that.

Anonymous said...

I am the client.And the pastor of a church.Anonymous needs to hear a sermon or 2 and this time listen.You give Christians a bad name...
Everything was fine till she showed up with the steam iron.Life took on a whole new meaning.....

Anonymous said...

LOL You guys and gals crack me up. Pastor - why don't you give your name. Don't want your church to know your bumping the decorator?Give your name dude. At least the counselor didn't say show me the your panties and you can decorate my couch. LOL. Nice work Tobi, flashing a man of God with you panties to get a piece of nothing. Your disappointment is obvious LOL. You pastors are a peace of work. You think that gives you any credibility? Read the news baby.....Holy Jesus Help us. This guy is a pastor. Your BFF even thinks knows you're doing him. Tobi, do yourself a favor, your to good for both of them. Open your own shop and ditch the dudes.

Anonymous said...

On second thought, if you marry her pastor, you could make everyone happy. You and Tobi could have all that steamy flesh. Tobi could have her husband and moma would be happy....God just might forgive you too. Sounds like a perfect match.