Sunday, January 17, 2010
You Cannot Write a Check with a Tampon
When you decide to write a check, because an angry mob is forming behind you, and the cashier is giving you the squinty pirate eye, be careful!
I happen to know that it is easy to mistake an unwrapped tampon for a Bic Rollerball pen. They feel a lot alike.
If you attempt to pull the cap off the pen, (that is actually a tampon), and in the process, you shoot the tampon in the general direction of the Captain Hookerish cashier, your first inclination may be to flee the scene.
This is totally understandable. No one needs Sterno and Preparation H that badly (Shut up, it is for my eyes not my butt. I am not sure why I feel like I need to explain these things to you, but I do).
It may seem like the only logical option to avoid further embarrassment is to run into the bathroom and hide for a few hours until someone else in Wal-Mart makes an ass out of himself or herself, so that you can leave unnoticed . Again, perfectly understandable, but, BUT! When you do this, make sure that you are in the correct bathroom. If you are a girl, urinals are a warning sign.
Do not ignore the warning signs. Really bad things may happen.
Really bad things, such as:
1. A man may enter the bathroom after you, forcing you to hide in the last stall to avoid detection.
2. The man may select the stall right next to the stall you are trapped in.
3. The man may do what men do when they are in the men’s bathroom.
4. It may be necessary to stuff the pink reminder card from your gynecologist into your mouth to prevent yourself from screaming like a stabbing victim.
5. The man may then try to strike up a conversation with you by saying something like “ Hey, how’s it going?”
6. When you do not answer, the man may then say something like “Can you hear me?”
7. If you do your best imitation of a pooping man, and answer with your best pooping man voice, he may continue the conversation by asking you if Mary is waiting outside.
8. If you do not know Mary, you may have to say so.
9. Then you might hear the man say “Hold on, I have to tell this dude next to me I am on the phone.”
10. Then you may have a fucking heart attack.
11. You may pray that your heart attack will be fatal when you realize that your lovely lady shoes are clearly visible under the stall door. The pooping man may recognize you (forget the angry mob and Captain Hooker) when, or if, you ever walk out of the men’s bathroom.
12. You may need to pick up your purse, and your feet, and perch on the not so sanitary toilet stool for a very long time after the pooping man leaves, until you are sure the coast is clear.
13. You may panic because you are afraid the coast is never going to be clear. This is Wal-Mart, not your gynecologist's office. It seems men come to Wal-Mart for the facilities, not the falling prices.
14. You may lose your will to live, and decide to write a suicide note on the bathroom wall.
15. When you pull your Bic Rollerball pen from your purse it may be a tampon.
Do not ask me how I know these things.