I always wanted a Glamour Mom. You know, the kind of mom that had blonde hair and gold shoes. Oh, how I admired gold shoes as a child! My heart's desire was a Mom that had pink toenails and wore leopard print. Anything leopard print--it did not matter what. I wanted a Mom that understood a nine year old girl's need for bright pink carpet. I always figured that a mom who would buy a velvet couch for the living room and actually let people sit on it would be the perfect Mom for me.
A Glamour Mom is not the Mom I got. My Mom is the practical Mom. The conservative Mom. The Mom that could convince even the most stubborn offspring of the virtues of yellow paint in a bedroom, as opposed to the shocking violet said offspring had her heart set on. Big Judes is the voice of reason. Throw caution to the wind? Do not even think about it. There would be no throwing, not in the house of perfection. Caution? Caution is good; it keeps you out of the emergency room and jail. Caution is a very good thing.
BFSK S. (Best Friend since Kindergarten) got the Glamour Mom, lucky duck that she is. S. also got the bright pink carpet and the velvet couch. The blue velvet couch, no less. BFSK came home from grade school everyday to a fashion diva decked out in leopard print and gold shoes. I am sure she was allowed throw caution to the wind and eat powdered sugar doughnuts in the living room, regardless of the tell-tale white dust that fell to the carpet.
Glamour Mom not only endorsed throwing caution to the wind, but if the legend is correct, Glamour Mom did not hesitate to throw wooden spoons and right hooks to the wind, resulting in an unanticipated trips to the emergency room to repair a dislocated shoulder. Thankfully, no time was spent in jail.
Time has a way of pointing out the obvious. BFSK and the Glamour Mom, who is in town this week on a visit from Kansas, stopped by yesterday to check out the New Digs. I greeted them in my leopard tank top. BFSK raised a skeptical eyebrow at my chosen attire. Glamour Mom complimented me on my perceptive fashion choice.
I could immediately see by the thin line of BFSK's lips that we had an issue. I tried to overlook her lack of lips. "Let me give you a tour" I said. The tour of the New Digs was a success. I had the forethought to forewarn my guests that the parade of home would be short-lived if BFSK could not control her urge to point out cobwebs in the corners. She is a perfectionist. She cannot help it.
I made sure to draw Glamour Mom's attention to the velvet duvet in the Master bedroom and Glamour Mom agreed that it is to die for. BFSK could not resist telling us that velvet is hard to keep clean, especially such a dark color. And it was in fact summer, so why did I still have velvet on the bed? S. also had good suggestions for covering the green paint in the master bedroom (that I just painted). Yellow, in her opinion, would look nice and it does go with everything. It was hard to argue with her logic.
After the tour, we retired to the living room with iced tea. S. still had thin lips. In an effort to be a good host, I asked, "What have you girls been up to today?".
S. glared at Glamour Mom. Glamour Mom smiled in response.
(UH-OH, this is not good.)
S: Go ahead Mother; tell T. where you spent your birthday.
(Birthday? Shit, I hope she wasn't in jail.)
S: Go ahead. Tell her.
GM: Oh, it was nothing really, S. insisted on taking me to the emergency room.
T. Your shoulder again?
GM: No, my toe. It was no big deal. Look, I can still wear my sandals.
T :( Noted the golden sandals and pink toenails, then quickly wondered if she kicks as well as boxes). She did not make you go to the hospital on your birthday! She would never!
(Glamour Mom and T. both turn to S. with scathing glares)
S: After the way she acted in the waiting room, we are lucky that we are not in jail!
This was the voice of Big Judes speaking. I recognized it from the years of being her naughty daughter. It was at that moment that the universe revealed just a glimpse of itself. The Glamour Mom and I? We would have made a dangerous pair. Too much leopard print and velvet makes for too many ER visits. Everyone needs someone in his or her life to be the voice of reason and logic. Occasionally the most reasonable and logical need a little pink toenail polish. It had all been cosmicly arranged just so.
When BFSK and Glamour Mom left I called Big Judes.