Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The High Price Of Boredom

My recently self-imposed fiscal austerity plan is starting to have unexpected consequences. I blame SJP,and the Sex and the City movie for my problems. To be fair, I am not blaming the girls for all of my issues. There is still George Bush, Big Judes (everyone blames their mothers, don't they?) my third grade teacher, several ex-boyfriends, oh, lest I forget, Mr. Fussy Pants to share the responsibility for fucking up my other wise perfect life.

The point is (there is a point...I think) I have no eyebrows. I also have no new summer clothes, no spiffy new couch, no West Elm desk for my office, very few pairs of new shoes, no upcoming appointments with my Hair Stylist, Dermatologist, Personal Trainer, Day Spa, or Psychic. I am living with white carpet that, in the good old days, would have been curbside before I set one perfectly pedicured toe in the New Digs.

My life is barely worth living. (A dramatic overstatement I know, but drama is part of my DNA). I started blogging to avoid shopping. Blogging is cheaper. I have tried with all my might to overcome my shallow, materialistic, self-centered, environmentally irresponsible tendencies. It is no use. I am shallow and materialistic. I need "stuff”, lots of stuff, now Dammit!

Boredom has a high price. Without unrestricted access to the AMEX card, I am left to my own devices. I have attempted arts and crafts to fill my empty hours. I have watched endless episodes of reality TV. I have purged the closets and steamed the carpets. I have painted walls. I have installed wallpaper. I am over it. I am considering prank calls and ding-dong-ditching to amuse myself. I will not, under any circumstances, be plucking my own eyebrows again. The tweezers did fill an hour of idle time, but the results were disastrous. Now I have to go buy an eyebrow pencil to fill in the space where my eyebrows used to be. If you add up all the money I have had to spend in an effort not to spend money I could have easily financed at least a few of the many things that make me happy.

Here is the new plan: I am disconnecting the cable, living with white walls and dirty carpet, giving up stenciling and faux painting forever. I will never buy another storage container. Forget the eyebrow pencil; I do not mind looking startled until my eyebrows grow back. I am reallocating these funds to the shopping budget. Brilliant! I should run for office.

What does SJP have to do with all this? Carrie went and re-decorated her apartment, that's what.
Years of interior mediocrity and now this!

Anonymous said...

Okay, that's it. You have pulled me from sloth with your startled brows and made me laugh so hard I'm putting you on my blog roll. Not that it's a huge deal or anything. But you're just too funny not to.

Tobi said...

It is a huge deal to me, Thank you.
Today is a pretty good day for a chick with no eyebrows.


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