Monday, June 30, 2008

Today's Forecast--Skinny And Mean

Until last year, I had never owned a bathroom scale. I never needed one. I knew how much I weighed. I had no reason for daily affirmation. If my pants ever felt too tight, I stopped eating brownies. No big deal. Now it is a big deal. Now I lose and gain the same 3.5 pounds on a weekly basis. Now I know it is 3.5 pounds because I own a bathroom scale.

The bathroom scale dictates my mood for the day. One pound lighter makes for a good day. One pound heavier indicates the start of a bad day; on days that the scale reveals a weight gain in excess of two pounds, I should really consider staying indoors safely away from co-workers and the general public, for their well being as well as my own. I know this seems extreme but it was suggested for legal reasons after a near miss with a hurled cell phone in the direction of my unsuspecting assistant.

Based on the digital announcement made by the scales of in-justice this morning, today should have been an unbelievably glorious day. According to the Bitch-O-Meter, my weight was comparable to that of a super model. I am aware that the average super model is two feet taller than I am, but so what? There still should have been a love fest in Tobiville today. Unfortunately, that was not the case. All day I have been unreasonable, unruly, and unable to concentrate. Luckily, no one was injured.

On my way home from work I realized what the problem was. I was calorie deprived. I am obviously not cut out to be a super model. Being skinny makes you mean! All this time I thought genetics was responsible for my surly disposition. I am pleased to report that this may not be the case. I am actually charming and kind, I just never knew it because of my damn bathroom scale.

I pulled in to the nearest Dickeys Bar-B-Que and ordered the Hungry Man Platter. I ate the whole thing. Then I ordered another sandwich to send to Naomi Campbell. She needs to know about this. We super model types need to stick together.



karey m. said...

i'm the same way! who knew a few ounces of water could dictate a mood so much?!

and i think naomi needs more than food.

Tobi said...

Naomi is koo-koo no doubt. If this is water I think I must be a camel!GRRR...

The Lil Bee said...

It's nice of you to share your happiness with that skinny bitch. Maybe if I were as generous, I would be a bit thinner, but noooo, big ol' Bee has to hog the trans-fats for herself. MOO.

Tobi said...

Bee-Life without trans-fat is not worth living! I have thrown caution and the bathroom scale to the wind! I will be eating bacon and Ho-Ho's all weekend to celebrate! MOO

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