2009 | Tobi et al

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Have You Seen Me?

2:39 PM random crap -

Guess what?I STOLE A CAMERA!I know! I thought it was awesome too!After almost two years of posting crappy cell phone pictures and stolen Google images, I decided enough was enough, so I took matters into my own hands.I STOLE A CAMERA!I can only imagine how grateful you must be.Don’t thank me yet.I can’t figure out how to work the stupid thing.The ...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Who Is This Craig Guy Anyway?

4:32 AM random crap -

As if I do not have enough stupidity in my life already, yesterday I discovered craigslist (I know, I know, I am the last person alive).All I can say is HOLY CRAP, is it safe for these people to be left unattended?Lest you think I am overreacting, have a look for yourself.Multiple Seating Furniture Pieces for Sale - $1 (Richardson)Date: 2009-12-28 ...

Monday, December 28, 2009

7 lbs

11:32 AM random crap -

For the last several days, I have been testing the potential toxicity of peanut butter. Call it my contribution to science. I have come to the conclusion that you can in fact ingest about 7 pounds of peanut butter and not die. Just don’t try to whistle.Also? While you are in the process of eating 7 pounds of peanut butter do not wipe your sticky f ...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Santa Hook Up

1:21 PM random crap - vivian -

Have you ever wondered how the reindeer spend their free time while they wait for those annoying elves to finish making Christmas toys?I have.I assumed they played strip poker and smoked cigars.Not. So.Apparently, they hang out at my house.How do I know this? Well, I am glad you asked. I know this because Vivian the Obstinate Toy Poodle told me.T- ...

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Little Pink Houses

7:06 AM tobi -

I am in love. Truly, madly, deeply, in love. Isn't she divine? Tell me you can see it!The front porch?The shutters?The Lilac bushes?Cookies in the oven, clothes on the line? I am coming Darling!Out-T ...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

With Love to Pittsburgh

6:02 PM hero worship -

There are 6,775,446,338 in the world; I only know a handful of them. Of that handful, only a few like me. Most of those few are related to me, so they are obliged to like me.They don’t count.I avoid social networking sites because it is somewhat embarrassing to show the world just how unlikable you are. The majority of the requests I get to follow ...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Crazy Quilt

1:17 PM big judes -

I still call her Mamma. She lets me. Still. Even though. In spite of.Just because, and for my part, I am grateful.Now.Not always, but now.I am grateful.We.She and I.We have spent years, a lifetime, my lifetime, weaving spider web thin threads of time into fabric.This fabric we patched together is a crazy quilt. A mother’s story. A daughter’s sto ...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tacos, Flowers and a Swingy Summer Frock

9:49 AM random crap - tobi -

I was mad at a friend of mine yesterday. Not mad in a “I want to wrestle you in a vat of Jello Pudding and pull your hair” sort of way, more mad in a shouty, unreasonable, carry the hell on sort of way.So, I was shouty, and he was quiet, mostly.And somewhere in between "You are a giant wiener face, because you don’t listen to me EVER about ANYTHIN ...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Standing At the Intersection of Crazy & Boss Street

6:08 AM random crap - tobi -

Dear Mr. Fussy Pants,The answer to your question is NO! I do not know what you thought about yesterday that you needed to do today.I can only remember the things that I thought about yesterday. Surprising I know.If you persist in this sort of torment, I will have no choice but to stab you in the eye with my pen. Either that, or I will hold you d ...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Days of Whine and Noses

Could someone please explain to me how a woman with the largest nose I have ever seen, an unfortunate nose, a nose of enormous proportion, a nose that is so freakishly big that I am almost positive she needs a Sham-Wow to wipe it? How can this woman not notice that her whiny (with good reason) toddler has a ass load of crap in her diaper, and th ...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Crazy Little Thing Called Shrub

10:08 AM random crap - tobi -

I went a little crazy yesterday. I lost my marbles, flipped out, came unglued…WAIT! Don’t leave. I‘ll stop!Now then, what did I do, you wonder? Well, I’ll tell you. I went to the Home Depot for grout.Let me guess what you are thinking. Is it something like “Woo-hoo! Livin la Vida Loca at the Home Depot, stocking up on the grout, loser?"To that ...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Eddie Ross, In the Garden, With a Darling Centerpiece

7:12 AM i amuse me - we are all gonna die -

I am fully aware that this particular entry crosses the boundaries of polite blogging, but please take it in the spirit in which it is intended. That of course, is my mean, hateful, shallow, and somewhat macabre, spirit that I am sort of ashamed of, but unable to control.So, lately I have been reading MUCH more than I have been writing.Good lord t ...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Some People Have All the Luck

7:08 AM i amuse me - random crap -

Why not Texas? Why not me?Dammit!This would have been better than winning the Lotto.The call to the insurance company alone would have made my life complete."Hello Allstate? T. here. It appears that a giant weenie has penetrated the door to my fortress. Can you send an adjuster right away?Hello? Hello?"Out-T.image: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090 ...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Wet Butt Syndrome

9:25 AM random crap - tobi -

This day started like all of the others with a couple of exceptions. I looked in the mirror at 7:00 AM. Usually I avoid all reflective surfaces until well after eight or until I have consumed at least a gallon of coffee.Whichever comes first.I am proud to report that I do not look a year older. Seeing me in the mirror, the first thing on birthday ...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ten Horrible Things That I Would Rather Have Than a Birthday

9:45 AM random crap - tobi -

Ten Horrible Things That I Would Rather Have Than a Birthday1. Kittens for dinner.2. An episiotomy.3. My 100 year High School class reunion (Oh, wait that is this weekend! Shit).4. A fat husband on my couch.5. A mouthful of used chewing tobacco.6. Vinyl shoes.7. A lisp.8. A job in a tollbooth.9. A tattoo on my forehead.10. A dead squirrel under my ...

Monday, July 13, 2009

My Big Fat Stupid Birthday

9:57 AM tobi -

Holy hell! I am having ANOTHER big, fat, stupid, birthday. Not that I am complaining, because I do love some cake, and old beats dead, but Sweet Mary Mother of God; ENOUGH ALREADY! This is getting embarrassing.Now I am so old, that not only do I have to lie about my own age, I have to lie about my *children’s ages as well. This would be fine if my ...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hey Sister, Sole Sister

5:23 AM rant - tobi -

Dear Lupita, My dear Lupita, Dearest Lupita, To Whom It May Concern, Listen up Sister,Why Lupita? Why are you so mean?Are the demands of merchandising footwear giving you gas? Is that what is causing your brow to furrow?Tell me Lupita, please!Is it the hammertoes, the bunions, the corns and calluses that have you peeved? Are the Life Stride loafer ...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Move along Folks, There’s nothing here to see

6:10 AM tobi -

This post is not about the Fourth of July, Michael Jackson or the rooster that lives somewhere close to the window at my new office. It is not about my suspicion that someone has commissioned this rooster to do his very best to drive me insane by crowing eight hours a day. Every damn day.We will not discuss the fact that I put a whole pile of unw ...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Gwendolyn Cheese and Her Circus of Fleas

6:07 AM tobi -

Gwendolyn Cheese and Her Circus of FleasLadies and Gentlemen! Kids of all ages! Come see the circus with fleas on three stages!For the first time, in the completely wide world, a circus of fleas make believed by a girl.Meet Gwendolyn Cheese, Ringleader extraordinaire,With her band of tiny performers that fly through the air.They spin and they tw ...

Friday, May 22, 2009

It Is 10 AM Do You Know Where Your Liver Is?

9:19 AM tobi -

I have never given my liver much consideration. I know I have one, but I couldn’t tell you where it is. Big Judes (like every other mother in the world) made sure I could point to my ears and my nose; it is not cute for babies to point to their liver.Guts are not cute.Nor is it cute for girl toddlers to point to their boobs according to Judes, but ...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day Anyway

7:07 AM big judes - tobi -

The first pets I remember owning were turtles. I was three. There were two of them in a kidney shaped bowl with a little green palm tree in the middle. I named them Pixie and Dixie. They died. You buried them in the back yard. I dug them up remember?A pleasant childhood memory indeed.I thought about getting you turtles for Mother's Day. Just for ...

Monday, April 20, 2009

You Sir Are No Wombat

6:06 AM random crap -

I was wandering through the grocery store parking lot searching for “Hilda” (The miracle of German engineering that is my car), praying that I would find her before it started to rain and ruin the four bags of peanut butter cups I had just purchased, when a man dressed as a wombat pulled up next to me on his motorcycle. He offered me his card and ...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The whole bunny/egg thing makes total sense to me now. Happy Easter. Out-T. ...

Retard

11:21 AM random crap -

“Dude, seriously, if you don’t roll your ass to the cafeteria in the next sixty seconds I will push you in the janitor’s closet and leave you there while I eat your Manwhich. I mean it. I am going to fucking lose it if we have to eat with the retards again. Don’t you want to sit with the cool kids, the ones that can walk and don’t drool on themse ...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Ovaries and a Nice Chianti

5:45 AM rant -

Someone is going to get it.I am not even kidding. Any day now, you will read about the (Almost) elderly, (Slightly) overweight, (Somewhat) promiscuous, crazy lady (With bad hair), that lost her mind and beat her co-workers to death with last season's Michael Kors gladiator sandal.The sad part is any chance I may have had for an acquittal will be ...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Maybe Next Time

5:19 AM random crap -

Guess where I was NOT last night.Oh Leonard, did you miss me?Out-T. ...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Couples Only Skate

5:45 AM random crap -

Who could forget the disco ball, red carpet on the walls and asshole boys skating backwards?The best song ever played at the Starlight Skate Center in Topeka Kansas on a Friday night, with the possible exception of “Babe” by Styx.Now line up it’s time to Snowball!Out-T. ...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Post Traumatic Snake Syndrome

5:26 PM we are all gonna die -

Oh look, a kitten baking bread!There is nothing traumatic about kittens. Unlike snakes, kittens are cute and furry; apparently, they like to bake bread. Additionally they don't smell like ass. Snakes do. (Smell like ass, not bake bread).Nature and I have had an unspoken arrangement. I avoid nature. Nature avoids me. This agreement has worked out w ...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Say Hello to My Little Friend

1:59 PM we are all gonna die -

Snake update!!It only took one trash can a golf club and some scaredy cat boys to rid the lobby of our unwanted visitor. No one died (not even the snake).I am still upset that I missed the photo op, but this is a close facsimile. Apparently he is a Blotched Water Snake, common in this area and non poisonous. Hansom' devil isn't he?Out-T.image:h ...

A Live Dispatch from the Office of Fussy & Bitchy Inc.

8:37 AM we are all gonna die -

Oh, we got troubleRight here in River CityWith a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'penis'That stands for 'penis' Which has nothing what so ever to to with the fact that there is a BIG HONKING SNAKE IN THE LOBBY RIGHT THIS MINUTE BLOCKING THE EXIT at Fussy & Bitchy Inc. but it was the first 'p' word I could think of. 'Pool' ...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Princess Wee-Wee Is Not a Fetus

4:29 AM random crap -

I am convinced that I have an embryonic twin lodged in my head.Her name is Thumbelina.My tiny baby sister that never was is trying to kill me. According to Google, This is a rare condition called Fetus in fetu. (Which for some reason brings to mind fettucine alfredo, but that may be because I have not eaten for three days). Who knows?I know one th ...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Putting Lipstick on the Pig

2:03 PM random crap -

The old "new" blog template made me itch.Maybe I will like this one better.Maybe it will inspire me.Maybe I will stop posting stupid crap.Maybe.Not.Out-T. ...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sweet Sam

Look up and look around T-Mart shoppers! That flashing blue light is on in our Children’s Department, where we are proud to introduce the very first guest post from my favorite third grader in the completely wide world!Nothing Rhymes With ParisI was going too write a poem about ParisBecause Paris is the girl that I amBut, there is nothing that rh ...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Caped Cod

10:55 AM random crap -

I want a cape.A red cape like Superman’sOnly cuter.Think about it.There is no accessory more appropriate for Spring 2009 than a cape.It takes Superhero powers these days just for me to get out of the bed.I could be the Caped Cod (Holy Mackerel!).A cape would be comforting, like macaroni and cheese without all the calories.It may inspire me to do g ...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Posted No Trespassing!

My refrigerator would make a good Leprechaun hideout. Until yesterday I had never noticed how little my refrigerator is. Until yesterday’s post that I forgot to publish until today I had never noticed how stupid my refrigerator AND my kitchen cabinets look without handles either. Blogging can be so therapeutic.Anyway, when I purchased the refri ...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Where, OH Where Has My Little Blog Gone?

9:19 AM tobi -

Now then, where were we?Oh yes, last time we were here (about a year ago wasn’t it?) I was bitching about the time change, which is still a problem because I have a hard enough time being on time.Now?Well, now, it is out of the question.Fashionably late is now irritatingly absent, and try as I might I cannot help it.The message here is do not invi ...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Screw You William Willett

7:24 AM random crap -

"Early to bed, and early to rise, makes Tobi bitchy, twitchy and snide"--Anon.Hello Daylight Saving Time?You. Suck.No offense, but you do.Suck.Keep your sunshine. I want my hour back. Out-T. ...

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sinner - Sinner Chicken Dinner

5:08 AM tobi -

I went for the nuggets-- I stayed for the shoes.For reasons that are still not entirely clear to me, I needed chicken nuggets for lunch yesterday. NEEDED them I tell you. Never mind that I hate all things McDonald's. Forget that no one over the age of seven would willingly eat a chicken nugget.I had to have them.Unfortunately for me, there is a Ma ...

Whatsapp Button works on Mobile Device only