Monday, July 21, 2008

A Letter To My Ass

Dear Ass,

It has come to my attention (Due to the unfortunate placement of a full-length mirror adjacent to the shower at the New Digs) that you have not been yourself lately. You seem down. (Way down, like to my knees down) How long has this been going on? Have I just been too preoccupied to notice? It is obvious you are not your old perky self. (Old yes, perky, no).

I thought you were enjoying the Little Debbie Snack Cakes as much as I was. Apparently, that was not the case. I feel compelled to tell you that this sudden change in your demeanor will not be tolerated. Please do not force me to enlist the help of professionals. This option would not be pleasant for either of us. I am begging you to snap out of it. Why are you doing this to me? I would expect this sort of behavior from the thighs, but you? Never!

Haven't I always been good to you? Who is it that insists that everyone, including total strangers kiss you? Did I ever tattoo you with stupid cartoon characters or butterflies? I have always made it a point to keep my ass out of trouble or jail and this is how you repay me? Frankly, I am shocked. I expected more from you than this. You leave me no choice. If by this time next week you have not lost all resemblance to the ass of my mother, I am joining the gym. Don't think I won't do it this time!

Consider yourself warned.

Old House Junkie said...

Tobi, I would give my ass the same warning except my ass knows there's no way I'm joining a gym.

I am also well-known to myself for not backing up my warnings. I warned myself that dire consequences would result if I failed to keep up with my ironing every week - yet here I am again with nothing to wear and three weeks' worth of ironing waiting for attention.

I need to have another stern talk with myself, or maybe I'll follow your excellent example and write myself a letter!

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! If my ass looked anything like my mother's I would die...

Simple Answer said...

Needed that laugh!

Bluestreak said...

so funny. I have similar conversation with my arms, the bastards.

Tobi said...

OHJ- Perhaps you could threaten the ass with the iron?

Anon.-I would be proud to have the ass of Big Judes, if my ass were a quarter century older! I take it your mother does not read this?

SA-I am sure you and your ass have a great relationship. Damn you!

BS-Boys get cuter with age. Bastards!

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