Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What Can Brown Do For You?

Dear Mr. UPS Guy,

What Can Brown Do For Me? Mind your own damn business. That is what. Is it necessary to comment on the contents of the packages you deliver to me at my office?

Do you think this is appropriate? I should have said something when you criticized my patronage of Overstock.com. Is it any business of yours where I do my Christmas shopping? I enjoy the “O” OK?

I let the tacky remark about E-Bay slide. What is this snobbery? Do all the packages delivered to you come from Neiman's?
It is none of your business what I have ordered from Amazon. I assure you it is the convenience and not the subject matter that prompted my order.

Do I say anything about your ugly shorts? No, No I do not. Have I ever mentioned the unfortunate black sock and sensible shoe combination? Who are you, Andre Leon Talley, the freight carriers fashion editor at large? For your information, Bluefly has cute accessories occasionally, but thanks for the advice. The Victoria’s Secret package was a gift. I saw that look on your face.

I am as “green” as the next girl is. I care about the polar ice caps. I believe global warming is real. I even recycle my packing peanuts for Gods sake. Your insinuation that I was buying environmentally hazardous flowers grown overseas is was unwarranted. Leave my carbon footprints and me alone. After you left, I cracked the top on a bottle of water and enjoyed every drop. If it is your desire to save the world, I suggest you join Pamela Anderson in her effort to protect chickens from the clutches of Colonel Sanders. There must be at least one KFC on your route. Right?

Today you crossed the line. Today was the last straw. For your information, just because a package is wrapped in plain brown paper with no return address does not mean what you obviously think it means! Shame on you. Is that what prompted the dinner invitation?

Oh, you will be sorry. You just wait. I paid extra for 2nd day air just so I could see you schlep the 20 cartons of legal size copy paper up the front steps to my office. The only thing sweeter will be the look on your face when you see the return authorization slip. The realization that you have to carry all 20 cartons back down the steps? The best part.

By the way, I would so go out with the Fed-EX guy.

Out-T.


6 comments:

The Lil Bee said...

I love it! Who does a "what can brown do for you" post?! Are you really going to return the 20 cartons? You wouldn't!!!

Ry said...

This is hilarious! That picture...is hilarious! I love it and I hope you do send the 20 cartons back because....it would be hilarious.

L said...

I'm peeing my pants. Seriously. You are freakin' HILARIOUS! Peeing. Everywhere. Please don't ever stop writing. My bladder will get an infection. From all of the Not Peeing My Pants.

with love from Pittsburgh...

Bluestreak said...

freaking hilarious. UPS guy gonna get his ass handed to him.

Simple Answer said...

I love it when the UPS guy gets it! That's cuz I married the FedEx guy!

Tobi said...

Bee- You are back! I think I need a vacation. No--I need the paper, maybe I should just return half?

Ry- I think the cashier at the grocery store monitors my purchases too. You should have seen her reaction to the generic tampons! (bitch)

L. - Please do not order the Depends via UPS. Can you imagine the ridicule?

Bs- I am considering ordering live chickens, or possibly a goat. That will show him.

Sa-FedEx rocks!