Before anyone jumps to the obvious conclusion that this touching and heartfelt, tribute is really a blatant attempt to extort birthday gifts with underhanded tactics. I want to reassure you. That is only partially true. I do want fabulous gifts and I have prepared a list to assist you in your selections, but I do these things for you, because you are my friends.
There are many things I would do willingly (for the most part) for each, and every one of you. If you were ever in jail, I would bail you out. I could not appear at the police station personally, (for reasons I do not care to discuss) but I would send Bubba the bail bondsman on my behalf. All I need is your Master Card number.
If you are ever sad, I will cheer you up. I will tell you funny stories about how loud you snore, or the hilarious things you talk about in your sleep. I could even show you the cell phone pictures I took of you last time you passed out on the bathroom floor.
If you are feeling fat or unattractive I will reassure you that your face is not nearly as puffy as it was a few weeks ago, and the dark circles under your eyes are hardly noticeable.
If you are having problems in your new relationship, I will remind you of all the losers you have dated in the past. You got over all of them, right?
I would give you the shirt off my back, as long as it was not my favorite shirt.
I promise next time I will recognize the international sign for choking and find someone that knows the Heimlich maneuver sooner.
There are no limits to my kindness and generosity when it comes to my friends. I am hopeful that tomorrow you will feel the same way.