Saturday, July 5, 2008

To Sir With Love

Dear Sir,

Please accept my apologies. When I gave you the finger and shook my fist at you yesterday, I may have overreacted. I am grateful you could not hear me when I called you a stupid fucking ass-hat jerk. I tend to swear when I am under stress. My outburst had nothing to do with you personally. I know I hurt you with my anger and reactivity. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you. Thank you very much for not shooting me.

I hope that I am not over stepping my bounds by politely suggesting that next time you attempt to transport a large kitchen appliance (namely a side-by-side 24 cubic foot frost free refrigerator with ice and water in the door) that you secure it properly before speeding down the highway at 70 miles per hour.

Please pardon my assumption that I was going to die. I may have jumped to conclusions when the Frigidaire was flying toward me through the air. I reacted unfairly toward you, and you did not deserve that. Please forgive me.

In conclusion, I would like to say that it is my relief at surviving this near death experience that has prompted me to apologize to you. I’d like to enter therapy and understand why I react with so much anger. In the meantime, I cannot commit to communicating with you without reactivity or blame. I would truly like to be more effective, friendly and trusting, but I am not.

I still think you are a stupid fucking ass-hat jerk. You almost killed me with your flying 200 pound beer cooler. Who drives around on July 4th with an icebox in the back of their truck, and why? Your incompetence nearly cost me my life. I am sure you would have been sorry, but I would have been dead. Dead beats sorry.

Furthermore, what the hell kind of obituary would that have made? Imagine the eternal embarrassment (not to mention the irony, in my case) of being killed by a kitchen appliance.

Love Always,

The Lil Bee said...

No way! OMG...hilarious!!!

Tobi said...

True, True, True! Can you imagine? Dead before noon on the fourth of July. Not even one Martini had crossed my lips...It could have been tragic I tell you!

karey m. said...

i love your hate mail. i mean, apologies.

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